Dear The Relationship Playbook,
While most people who know me, including men I have been involved with, consider me caring, supportive and all other goodies, there is one thing that leaves cold and indifferent (actually annoyed!): seeing a man crying AFTER the relationships ends.
I didn’t even noticed how often that had happened until my new partner mentioned. From the beginning of our relationship, I paid close attention to HIM, observed closely for red flags while trying to find out what kind a man I could be dealing with. We have our things, but I will rate him easily over 90 (on the scale of 100).
The reason I am contacting you, would like to hear other people opinions, is because I wonder if my aversion to crying men could make him uneasy, feeling if he would every cry in my presence, it would be a negative thing.
It isn’t much about men crying, but them crying when we break up! LOL It just feels so FAKE and the proof of it is when I asked one of them to stop: he did! I can be a crier myself, and it doesn’t matter how many times somebody would ask me to stop, I simply won’t as long as I feel the pain.
I can see how this might sound: but men crying once it is all over feels like a cheap and desperate attempt to turn things they way they wanted, not a sign of real pain.
To make things even more complicated to you, I found myself wanting to hear my partner cry after some really close to him passed away. Is there any way, other then tell him, to let him know that it is REALLY OK for him to cry without hiding it from me?
“Ran out of tissues”
My first thought is, WHO CARES?!
I know those in the “elementary school” generation (under 30) do some crazy stuff nowadays; but as far as I know it’s still universal that when you break-up the relationship is OVER. If he wants to cry because he’s hurt, why should that matter to you? If he wants to cry as a last ditch effort to try to save the relationship, then so what if he cries you a river. The relationship is over. What, do you think men have a monopoly on crocodile tears? Women have been doing it for years and either way if the relationship is over, then who cares. Now if you’re one that enjoys playing the “make-up, break-up” game then that’s something you need to check within yourself.
In regards to your aversion to crying making men uneasy about crying in front of you – why is this a conversation you’d have with a man in the first place?
You: “I can’t stand it when men start crying after we break-up.”
Him: “Are we breaking up right now?” (thinking) If not, then who the eff cares?
Unless you have a habit of driving men so emotionally insane that they end up crying during the relationship, then that’s not something you even discuss.
Hold up. You found yourself wanting to hear him cry when someone passed away?!
So you don’t want him to cry when you break-up, but it’s OK for him to cry any other time and you wanted to hear him cry when someone died. Does that really make sense to you? Because it doesn’t make any sense to me.
Look either you want a man to be OK to express his emotions – whatever they may be – or you don’t. You can’t try to put him in some kind of “emotional box” – express yourself in these circumstances, but not in others. WTF?!
It sounds like to me you’re playing some stupid ass game and you have some growing up to do.