In a previous post, we talked about the reasons why you shouldn’t ask your friends for relationship advice without talking to your parter first. But what do you do when you have talked to your partner and the two of you can’t get on the same page. They are not getting your point-of-view and you’re not getting theirs. You need a neutral third party.
It’s OK to talk to your friends then, right?
Well it depends. A good example of a friend giving advice would be in Tyler Perry’s, “Why Did I Get Married” (the first one – not the bad sequel). In the movie, there is a scene where two of the ladies come to their friend for advice on how to fix their relationship.
I loved that scene for a few reasons:
The ladies didn’t come to their friends with a “my relationship is messed up because of him attitude.” They came to her acknowledging their roles in the problems with their relationship and wanted to fix THEMSELVES. They didn’t say, help me fix my man.
No Quick Fix
The ladies weren’t given a ‘quick fix’ answer, although they wanted it. Many people are like that. They want a quick pill to take and have all their problems vanish away, and we know the “quick fix” doesn’t exist.
The ladies were told to write down all of the things they like about their partner/relationship and all the things they didn’t. Compare the lists. If the bad outweighs the good, move on. If the good, outweighs the bad, figure out a way to make it work. That’s a great exercise, I’ve had people do for years and it works. It really makes you evaluate your relationship. The most important part of that was that she just told them tools to help them figure out their relationship for THEMSELVES, she didn’t say what she’d do.
Those are the circumstances I recommend asking your friends. If they can give you the tools you need to figure out things for yourself without telling you what you should do or how they’d handle your relationship.
Have you ever ended a relationship and said to your partner, “Well my friend said this, so it’s over”? Of course not. You come to your own decision anyway, so stop having an “open” relationship with your friends and have the one-on-one relationship with your partner that you want.
You’d be surprised how much closer the two of you will be when you aren’t sharing yourselves with the rest of the world.
If you have any life or relationship questions or challenges, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org for help.