From the outside looking in

Dear TRP:

HELP!!!!! What should a person do if they feel like they are in a one-sided relationship (Meaning, what she will do and does do for him, he has great difficulty doing for her… OK, real talk, he won’t do for her what she does for him)? He requires things of her that he doesn’t require for himself. He holds her to a standard that he doesn’t even hold himself to. She does things for him that it seems he will never do for her… he may have done it “before” in the past, as in 2-3 years ago.

none of my businessHe often references “that one time” he did “_____” for her in the past… but really, that one time was probably the only time. It’s 2015 and he is constantly referring to something he did in 2012 or 2013. Is it possible for her to ever get the reciprocity that she desires from HIM or should she just accept defeat, cut her losses, and move on?!?!

It’s been almost three years for this couple and they seem to be getting extremely serious (discussing marriage, the future, blending families, etc.) but I am concerned for my friend. If he proposes, she will almost definitely accept. She seems to have a significant number of reasons for why she loves him and chooses to be with him. I just can’t help being worried though. I am really hoping that he will change (for the better) before she commits completely to this man through engagement and marriage.

She is happy a lot of the time but there are also a lot of times that she seems to be discontent with the relationship. Sometimes, from the outside looking in, it just doesn’t look good sometimes … but then, isn’t that the case in every relationship?!?!

Should she even hope to get reciprocity one day from this man or is her relationship doomed? Should she cut her losses and search elsewhere?

 

My thoughts….

I’m confused to whose relationship this is… yours or your “friend.”

You started out by listing what he requires her to do, but he doesn’t do for her… the standards he holds her to… that one time in band camp that he actually did something and he is now holding it over her head… blah… blah… blah.

But yet…

It’s been three years… they seem to be getting extremely serious… if he proposes she will accept… she has a significant number of reasons why she loves him… blah… blah… blah.

So if all of that is the case, what exactly is the problem?!

You stating how you feel is irrelevant because he’s with her not you.

What it looks like to you from the outside doesn’t matter, because you are not inside their relationship.

If he’s doing nothing for her (as you say) and she still wants to marry him, that’s her choice not yours.

Now I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt in that we live in a society that has an insatiable appetite for negativity.  When a couple is happy, fulfilled and want to talk about it, folks are like, “That’s all good and we’re happy for you, but keep that mushy ish to yourselves.” Or worse you speak ill on their relationship, “It’s all good now, but lets see how happy they are six months from now.” You hate to see people happy – especially when you aren’t.  But let folks say something about some problems and you be in the front row like…

got popcorn ready

What ends up happening is your friends don’t say anything to you when they’re happy, but when they want to vent they come to you because they know at that point you’ll listen, and now you have a negative perception of their entire relationship when the reality is you’re only hearing about venting sessions. But for the sake of argument, let’s say that your perception is true and he is and isn’t everything you said he is.  At the end of the day your friend is simply choosing to be with a selfish ass dude, hoping that he’ll change.  It wouldn’t be the first time someone has dated “hope” and it definitely won’t be the last. Until she says she is moving on… she isn’t happy… or he’s hurting her, you need to stay out of their business and quit trying to dictate for her whether she should “cut her losses and search elsewhere.”

You can email your relationship questions/challenges to relationshipplaybook@gmail.com

About willwavvy

Will Wavvy has written 349 post in this blog.

My life is dedicated to educating and empowering others to make healthy relationship choices. I write about, and answer questions about relationships in my never-ending quest to help people stay in love long after they've fallen in love.