#DearTRP: I have been dating my current boyfriend for about 3 years, and we have a beautiful baby.
MY ISSUE: he has not told his mother, other kids or anyone that I feel is important to him about this baby. I have tried to be understanding and patient but I’m at the end of my rope. He says he can’t tell mom right now because he relies on her help at this time. He says hes afraid because he does not know how she will react. He says hes working on it – it’s been over 6 months. Recently he had a conversation with an old friend and told them that he had 2 kids when he really has 3. When I found out about this it shook me to the core. I’m so hurt. It’s bad enough that he has not told his family, now you’re lying to people that you haven’t spoken to in years? WTF?
I have not spoken to him in a few days, I feel like I need my space to sort out my feelings. I feel like hes ashamed of me and OUR child and Its killing me.. I look at our baby and just cry because the man that I’m in love with is such a selfish prick. I want this child to know all of their family. I think its so unfair that he gets to choose who knows and who does not. If his mom wants nothing to do w/our baby so be it, but how dare he take that choice away from her.
Should I just move on? How do I convince him that he should tell his mom and let her make her own choice? Even though I did not do things correctly ie getting married before bringing a child into the world, family is so important to me. This hurts so damn much.
Thanks in advice for your advance.
Actually, he does have a choice.
Just like a woman has a choice on whether or not she was to give birth to the child, give it up for adoption, etc., a man has choices as well. He has the right to choose whether or not he wants to acknowledge or accept the child. He has a choice to be or not to be an active part of the child’s life. He has the choice on whether or not he wants to tell his family, or anyone that he has a child. The only choice he doesn’t have is if the mother chooses to have the child, then he’s obligated to proved financial support. It’s “unfair” to the father, but not everything in life is going to be fair. He has no choice in that regard, and if he thinks he does, DCS will remind him he has no choice once you file for child support.
With all of that being said – while I believe a man has a choice, I personally don’t understand why any man would knowingly choose to deny his own child. A man accepts, acknowledges, and takes care of his responsibilities – no matter how those responsibilities came about. I call those type of MALES (because they’re not men), cowards and no one can convince me otherwise. People choose to be cowards every day. It doesn’t change who they are.
However, here’s something to consider – maybe he has doubts about whether the child is his. I’m not in his head, so I don’t know. Ask him, but don’t come at him with the “you know good damn well this baby is yours”, tude. Simply ask him if he has doubts, and if he does “call Maury” and remove that doubt.
As far as your relationship, you have to decide if you’re OK with having that type of boyfriend. Regardless of whether or not you decide to stay with him, you need to go file for child support. Too many women make the mistake of “not wanting to ruffle his feathers” and won’t file as long as the relationship is going good, or they give him time to “do the right thing”. He had your whole pregnancy to prepare for the birth. Put him on papers so that the child can get the financial support he should be getting – even if you “don’t want anything from him” or “you can do it all by yourself”.
Hope this helps. – WW
You can email your relationship questions to – email@example.com