February 15th marks the official end of Handcuffing Season. You know the time of the year from Thanksgiving through Valentine’s Day, that women want to be booed up for the holiday gift giving season. Depending on tight your cuffs were you may find yourself getting dropped in the next couple of weeks – which means there are going to be a lot of ladies out there, “single and ready to mingle.”
Just like men will categorize the different types of p*ssy in their life, women categorize the different types of d*cks. To commemorate NBA All-Star Weekend, I’m going to compare the categories to current All-stars. There’s only so much of writing the word dick that any normal, sane man can take – and we’re at my limit so we’re going to refer to the different types as “dudes”
The NBA of “Dudes”…
THE LEBRON JAMES – This “dude” is a walking God. Physically perfect. Right size, shape – not an ounce of fat. No flaws. He can score with ease in every way that you can imagine. He’s the MVP of the league. The problem is that he knows he’s the MVP and he has to constantly remind you. He talks about himself in third person. He tells you how good he is. He needs to hold a press conference to tell you where’s he’s gonna hit it and if you catch him off his “A” game he’s going to pout and walk away because “he’s the King.”
THE KD – When you watch this “dude” perform it’s a thing of beauty. When you look at him you’re like “I’d break his skinny ass” – but he doesn’t have the awkward clumsiness that most dudes his size have. His range is sick and he can score from anywhere on the court, but the problem is he’s as soft as wet tissue. He won’t go down low to save his life. He’s all finesse, no muscle. You call him when you want to be made love to, not when you want it beat up.
THE PAUL GEORGE – This is the “dude” that’s on a mission. This isn’t about fun. He gives it to you with a purpose. He just doesn’t want to get it in, he wants to kill it… dominate it… beat you into submission… and even though it isn’t fun, you don’t care because he’s so good.
THE CURRY – This is the little “dude” that’s a scoring machine. For what he lacks in size, he more than makes up for it with his effort. He doesn’t need any practice (foreplay) –he’s always ready to put in some work. He’s can drop 60 (mins) on you at any time. He may be stabbing you with a pencil, but when he’s done you’re still worn out, just the same.
THE MELO – This “dude” is Mr. Buckets – his all-around game is on point. He’s pretty good at just about everything. He’ll go down low and battle amongst the trees… run the show… his “sweet spot” is anywhere on the court. The downside is he’s a ball hog. It’s all about him so you better get yours before he gets his.
THE D-WADE – This is the “dude” that has everything going for him – tall, successful, attractive, got more zeroes in the bank than you have pairs of shoes in the closet, and he knows how to put it down. The only problem – he’s engaged/married, so after he hits it he’s gone in a “flash”… well except of course if he’s on a “break” and then you can get knocked up and be set for life.
THE HIBBERT – This is the “dude” that when you see him you’re like “Oh hell naw”. Big ass Jolly Green Giant Mofo that knows what to do with his size. No finesse. No beating around the bush. He’s going to get in, rearrange walls you didn’t know you had, and leave you feeling all different types of f*cked. When you know he’s coming over, you take a few shots of Patron, roll a couple blunts, and have your OB-GYN on stand-by.
THE NOAH – This is the hood “dude” that’s just as likely to beat your ass and take it than he is to just give it to you. You know this dude is crazy as hell so you deal with him in spurts. You make sure you have everything right before he comes over – drink, weed, etc.
THE KYRIE– This “dude” is scary because although he hasn’t reached his prime yet, he’s already among the league best. You know that once he really learns what he’s doing it’s a wrap.
THE CP3 – This “dude” is feisty, has all types of skills, but is like a Lay’s potato chip – he can never have just one. He’s only happy if you agree to bring along one of your girls in the bedroom with you for the “assist”.
THE BLAKE – This “dude” is a walking highlight reel. Every time you get with him he pulls out something different that leaves your mouth wide-open, staring in amazement. As soon as he leaves, you’re on the phone with your girls talking about, “Girl, let me tell you what this man did.” The problem is outside of the one highlight for the night, his game is pretty boring.
And from the All-Star Hall of Fame…
THE MAGIC JOHNSON – This is the “dude” that no matter how clean he says he is and what he can do with his “magic” stick, he needs to wrap it up twice and you need to go with him to the clinic before he even gets a whiff of some ass – just seeing some papers won’t do.