Mixed Signals

#Dear TRP:

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I’ve been seeing this guy for almost two months. Things are going really well; he’s a gentleman, has a job, his own place, pays for EVERYTHING when we go out and is very attentive (checks on me all day when we’re not together and is genuinely concerned about my well being). But last week he dropped a bomb on me: he asked me if I was still seeing anyone else, I said no and when I asked him the same he not only said yes but that he’s still sleeping with other women!! I don’t think this is okay but I do agree with him when he said he’s single and we’re not exclusive. It just rubs me the wrong way. I feel like how can you really know if you’re in to someone if you’re still “in to” other people? Am I too sensitive? Is this a part of new age dating? Should I just walk away?? PLEASE HELP

Nic’s Thoughts.. 

NO, you’re not being too sensitive and YES unfortunately this is a new era of dating. You’re going to meet a lot of men who are into this style of dating. It’s playing the field and you could argue that it’s not all bad. However, in your case it’s a little different. You’re hurt and rubbed the wrong way because you invested your time into this man. That’s exclusive behavior though… And he’s obviously on a different page because he wasn’t being exclusive with you. It’s a common misunderstanding between men and women due to our respective natures. Men will do those things and be like “Well we’re not together so technically I’m good”. But in your mind you’ve been on dates and intimate with him, so you figure it’s all about you. Some might argue he’s in the clear because he’s at least being “honest” about seeing and sleeping with other women. It even sounds like he was confessing to see if you had other men in your life, mostly for the purpose of justifying his own actions. But the question now becomes: Is he truly being honest? Consider these important questions: He told you after the fact and clearly after you’ve already invested your time and emotions. So what was the purpose of doing that? To test the waters?, see how far he can take it? With some people, if you give them an inch, they’ll take it a mile.

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By telling you after the fact, it’s not exactly honest. Why? Because he likely knew that if he came at you with this before you got involved, you’d likely exit the relationship and in the process lose the perks he’s getting. This is a new disturbing effect of dating in today’s times. As a single man, I’m always working under the assumption that if I date a woman but we’re not a couple, there’s probably at least 1-2 other people in the picture. Not to mention, at least one of them is smashing on a regular basis. The speed in which people move in dating and the callousness shown makes this more the norm than the exception. This is why you got hurt and he’s looking to see if you’re cool with it. Surely people wan’t their cake and to eat it too. But who said you need to have a slice? He’s made it very clear where you actually stand with him. You need to reconcile two things: What you thought you guys had and what you guys actually have. Don’t let the dinners and smiley face text messages fool you into thinking you’re the only one.

We don’t need to explore or speculate about this guys character. What is clear, however, are his actions. An obvious sign of a man with serious intentions? His actions before, during, and after he gets the girl. If he’s sleeping with other women, I don’t need to know him to tell you he’s not serious about being with you. Even though he’s not technically wrong, it also shows he’s not interested in you enough to at least take a break from the single life and actually date you. Most men will cut that out when they found someone they’re truly interested in. You actually nailed it on the head when you said “How can you get to know someone if they are busy getting to know everyone else?” He’s just passing thru, so with that said you’ll need to decide if you’re cool with that. If you aren’t, then I’d exit stage left in a hurry. From the looks of things he won’t miss you because he’s clearly occupied.

Good Luck!

~Nic 

About Nick Campbell

Nick Campbell has written 163 post in this blog.

A modern day gentleman who loves to explore all aspects of relationships and discuss problems this new generation faces in love. Born and raised in the Bay Area, well traveled and cultured. Single Dad, tech connoisseur and news junkie. Drop a line if there is something you'd like discussed!

  • Hambone

    Its crazy because I always get slapped with the fact that I need to date more than one person at a time from WW lol. I like to date one person at a time for that very reason mentioned above (I have serious intentions and I am not looking for a casual relationship with someone). But I guess the real question is, do I have serious intentions with this specific person to want to just date them or do I need to have serious intentions period?