Earlier in the week, a reader asked us on our Facebook page, What does it take for man to get over past relationship pains? My response was there were three steps:
- Get Over It.
- Recognize that the person in front of you is not the person that hurt you.
That conversation sparked a follow up question:
Dear TRP: How does the man who has been hurt turn that negative into a positive? Some guys and ladies (but mainly discussing men) will take the hurt and maybe unconsciously hurt others by getting involved with so many different women, using the friend card, misleading and ultimately using women who don’t deserve to be hurt. It’s like a cycle. When does that end or what transpires for the guy to end it?
The first thing you need to understand is that, hurt people, hurt people!
Hurt people have a victim mentality – they transfer their inner anger, and hurt to those around them. Hurt people interpret just about every word, and action through their prism of pain. All they see, feel, and understand is hurt, until it gets to the point that they become comfortable in their pain. It’s the reason why those that are victims of abuse stay with their abuser even though they know it isn’t good for them to say. They find more comfort in the shit that they know, than the shit they don’t know. They are afraid that what happened once will inevitably happen again.
Because those with a victim mentality are only comfortable in an environment of pain and hurt, they drag others down to their level. They hurt those around them (consciously and unconsciously) because hurt is what they are comfortable with. It is a nasty cycle that unfortunately will continue until the person decides to move beyond the victim’s mentality.
How does the cycle end?
They have to change their mindset from victim to survivor. The difference between the two is the victim lets the hurt define them. The survivor loves themselves enough to only let the hurt shape them. You take what you need to from the experience, learn from it and move on. Until that happens the cycle will continue.
Hope this helps. You can email your relationship questions to: firstname.lastname@example.org