You’re either married or you’re married

Dear TRP: Affair with married manI met the most wonderful man about 3 months ago. We have a great deal in common and based on our conversations. We were also in similar situations (exiting marriages). Since meeting him, my divorce has been finalized, but my ex and I still share a home for financial reasons and we are gradually getting our 2 children used to change.

Although he and his wife have moved to separate residences, neither of them have officially filed for divorce. We have a very open and honest relationship, and I don’t feel as if anything is left between he and his wife besides the marriage license, but I am still haunted by the fact that I should have waited before entering into this relationship. A few weeks back he told me he loved me and I believe him, but the fact that he is still legally married does not sit well with me.

Is it too late to back out of this without damaging what we have already built? He has been patient and understanding of my situation and I am trying to be patient with his, but the last thing I want is for anyone to be hurt from any of it.

My ex does not know about him, and obviously, his wife does not know about me. I just hate the situation and I’m fearful of any drama that may come up as a result of this crazy situation…

My thoughts…

Are you asking me to help you put sugar on shit?

Unless there’s some hidden message that I’m not seeing you’re asking me to help you to continue having an affair with a married man. I’m not going to do that.

Sugar on ShitI don’t care how wonderful he is (BTW everyone is wonderful, the first 3 months), he’s still married.

I don’t care how much BS he’s feeding you to make you feel good (sure he CAN love you after humping on you part time for a couple months, but I doubt it), he’s still married.

I don’t care what you think you’ve built over 3 months (which is a bunch of lies and deceit) he’s still married.

I don’t care how patient and understanding he’s been (BTW it’s easy to be patient and understanding with your jump-off when you’re married), he’s still a married man.

I don’t care “if all that’s between them is a marriage license” – in my book that still makes him a married man.

I’m not going to help you be with a married man – whether it’s now, or later on if you walk away and decide to go back.

And hold up, you’re smelling kinda funky too.

I’ve never been divorced, but I know enough, to know that divorces don’t happen overnight. In a lot of states you need to be first legally separated for a year before final divorce proceedings begin; and even if that’s not the case in your state, you don’t file paperwork today and be divorced tomorrow. You had plenty of time throughout that process to “gradually get your kids used to the change”. Sounds like BS to me.

Furthermore, if the situation is what you and Mr. Married say it is, then how come you’re keeping it from your “ex”-husband and he’s keeping it from his wife? If you’re just living together for “financial reasons” then who you’re sleeping with shouldn’t be anyone’s concern. The same with him. If there’s nothing between them and they live separately then who he’s sleeping with shouldn’t be any of her concern.

Dress it up and romanticize it how you want – it’s still BS.

If you want to end it, then just end it, but you can miss me with all that “don’t wanna damage what we built” BS.

Hope this helps. You can email your relationship questions to: deartrp@relationshipplaybook.com

About willwavvy

Will Wavvy has written 349 post in this blog.

My life is dedicated to educating and empowering others to make healthy relationship choices. I write about, and answer questions about relationships in my never-ending quest to help people stay in love long after they've fallen in love.