Dear TRP: Question for the Men: What does it take for you all to get over past relationship pains (i.e she cheated, she broke your trust, etc)? Women always get a bad rep for holding on to past relationship pains – calling us bitter. But you guys do it too and much worse because you refuse to let another woman get close to you even if you do get married again.
I have to preference my thoughts by saying first I believe God created male and female and that the woman came from the man. Now with that foundation I am going to make a statement that not many men or women think about… everything that a woman is, a man was first!
You may say, “how is that”? Have you ever looked at your children and you can see your mannerisms and responses? You commonly say, “That’s your daddy”, or “Yep you got that from you mama”. I bring this up because many times women do not understand the emotional responses of men, instead of realizing that your response IS our response. This alone should now bring a bit of understand how men are, yes men are emotional and they hold onto things! NOW where the separation and consequently the problem arrive is in how we deal with these pains.
It starts with our upbringing! In an effort to make sure our boys are “hard and strong” we fail to let the woman nurture them in fear that he will become “soft.” It has been instilled in a man since childhood that when he is hurt, get up, wipe it off, don’t cry and be a man. So then when something happens to him and his natural emotion is to cry, release and want to be held by mom, we say (the man), “let him go, he’s alright, why you cryin boy, stop being soft”. That boy becomes a man and no longer knows how to properly manage, display or release his emotions. He was never given the opportunity to navigate through this emotional responses, and he is never asked to articulate what the problem is and what he needs to help work toward a solution. He is told to basically internalize everything that has taken place and if there is no blood then shut up and deal with it. Not to mention women walk around saying, “I dont want no “SOFT” man.
Do you see the trigger word?
“But you guys do it too and much worse because you refuse to let another woman get close to you even if you do get married again.
This position now comes from a very complex mental guard. Many times the reason a man has difficulty trusting again after being hurt is not always because of the hurt itself. You see, if he has never known how to manage, process, or articulate his emotions, then when he gets in a relationship and has been convinced to “open up”, he feels stripped of everthing that is him. He feels naked, because for his entire life he has been made to believe that “men don’t do this.” When he’s cheated on, but what she took from him is what shuts him down. She just walked away with his “innocence.”
Now you come along and you are giving all of these promises and then you use trigger word like, “Trust me, just open up to me, tell me what you are feeling?” our question is, “What makes you different from the other person who told me that?”
So your question is what does it take for us to get over past relationships? A lot of work. You have to be in it for the long haul, but invest your time wisely. Don’t take this as you are able to change the man. This is all about trust not changing.”
“What is it going to take?” It’s going to take a “different” type of woman. And by different I mean one that does not remind him of the one(s) that hurt him.
Hope this helps. You can email your relationship questions to: firstname.lastname@example.org