Getting Ahead of Ourselves….

Fan Response:

I met this guy at church and I instantly was attracted to him. He was very quiet and shy toward me. He just stared all the time and kept working. I played the friendly role (regular conversation, joking) for a while and then I looked him up on facebook and found his name. So one day I called him by his last name and things suddenly change. Upon entering church for bible class one day he said “How did you know my name”, it was kind of scary and uncomfortable but I told him that nobody told me his name I just got it off of facebook. So the next few weeks were filled with playful flirty moments (touching on his part (clean), back and forth (surface) talk on face book). Often when I did show, it was like he was waiting for me or was late he would be asking my friend where I was. He hopped around me like a teenager when church was over. It was cute. Over the next few weeks my pastor did a series on the unmarried that was very informative. He said that when dealing with someone you should ask what their intentions are (relating with intent) with you. I did not pose this question to him until his statements on facebook leading me to ask this question. He said he wanted to get to know me and he thought I was cool. Then he said it: “I think you’re special.” At that point, I asked the question (what are your intentions). Next thing I know all conversation stopped via Facebook. I was uneasy and when I showed up for church he acted as though nothing had happen. So being the bold woman that I am, I couldn’t let it go. I asked why didn’t you answer the question (I really tried to give him the benefit of the doubt) His response was the relating to intent question, oh yeah I’ll answer, it was not convincing at all. Next thing I know his relationship status changed from “single” to “in a relationship”, I was floored!!!! His girlfriend posted a picture and everything on Facebook. I took everything inside of me and pushed it down to show that I didn’t care when I returned to church. I tried to let it go because truly this is not what I go to church for and I kind of hated that this attraction made me lose focus. I was even more disturbed that as I acted like nothing was wrong he didn’t even acknowledged what had just taken place. My friend said just ignore it and move on. I couldn’t, I had to let him know. I flung the church doors open after bible class and proceeded to ask him to walk me to my car. I said “Why didn’t you tell me that you were in a relationship”? His response was that the relationship was shaky at the time and he didn’t know what to do. I told him look I’ve been married, hell I have three kids, I’m a big girl, just be honest. (I’m 33 and he is 42) He looked at me like he was shocked at my reaction, totally didn’t get it. I close the conversation by saying you shouldn’t do this to women especially in the church that are new because it can be damaging to them. I’m tough I’ve dealt with crap before. He started talking about my job and my car. Total avoider. So Sunday came again and he stills walks up to me and has conversations and touches me (which I tell him not to), I just don’t understand what is going on. I don’t even understand why should l even care when nothing happen (date, sex, nothing)!!!!!
P.S. My best friend got to church early on Sunday and told me he brought his girlfriend (I have been there for six months and have never seen her, why now?)

Jocelyn’s Response:

In an effort to really address this issue head on, I will say two things upfront:  this will be an uncomfortable conversation and it will address a couple of fallacies:

Fallacy #1: Just because you meet a man in church, he is going to be honest and forthright with you in a relationship.

Let’s keep it real, shall we? There is a good reason the BIBLE talks about wolves in sheep’s clothing. You can never give someone more “cookie points” with trust because you meet him/her in church. This is the ultimate no-no. I don’t care where you meet someone there is a certain level of care that goes into knowing who they are  and what they are about. I think, in this case, it is necessary to ask yourself if you were too trusting because of where you were at the time of the interactions. I will just say that some of the most scandalous folk are in pews and pulpits preying on real Christians. Use discernment.

Fallacy #2: Just because you are digging a man doesn’t mean that he is digging you (with regard to degree and method).

Let’s be honest, by your own admission you were pretty much the aggressor in this scenario. As I read this, I really see nothing here but some good-natured flirting on his part. You were the one who was looking him up on Facebook…you were the one participating in the flirting…you were the one asked him of his intentions…though he never asked you out on a date, initiated sex , or gave you any indication of a relationship. Telling someone that you think they are “cool” and “special” and that you would like to get to know them is not really the same as saying “I am digging you.”  Bottom line? When a man is digging you, you don’t have to ask him of his intentions–he will let you know. Men aren’t mysterious creatures. Further, flirting and checking a woman out may be considered business as usual for some men. Not to defend him if he led you on, but I have some men in my family who practice pick up lines on women just to see if they work. They are not intending to enter relationships. They just want to know if they are still good “hunters.” Again, I am not sure you guys ever really had a relationship in his mind. This is why it is best to watch over time how the talk and the actions match up.

Fallacy #3: Just because you want to know what he was thinking when he interacted with you doesn’t mean that you will get your wish.

Honestly, who knows what he was thinking…where his girlfriend was all of this time….why things changed suddenly…why is the sky blue?? In the PRESENT, he has made it clear that he is in a relationship with someone and that is that.  I don’t care what kind of conversation/flirting/touching he is working with after church on Sundays, he is not going to commit to you while he has someone already. You have to take him at face value when he says that he was unsure of that relationship at the time. One thing is clear, judging from your admission, he doesn’t feel as if he misrepresented anything in this situation–especially if he is continuing with the same behaviors after the confrontation. Did you ever ask him outright if he had a girlfriend? Did he ever ask you out on a date? Did you talk to you outside of Facebook? Was there ever an attempt to get to know anything about your life and who you were? If the answer is no to any of these questions, then he clearly did no damage to you or his reputation. And if the answer is yes to all questions and it still played out like this, then I would suggest that you consider yourself lucky that you dodged that bullet and keep it moving.

Not to bombard you with a bunch of unnecessary animal references, but in this case they apply. Never put the cart before the horse. We must refrain from aggressively running ahead of another in relationships. I think your feelings for this man may have led you to seeing more than what was actually there in his mind. I certainly think that it would “spook” just about any man if you ask him of his intentions before he has even began to start the courtship process. Honestly, if  any man is interested and you ask him of his intention before the first date….I don’t think you will get asked.

You sound like a lovely lady. I think you are wise to ask yourself why you care and make sure that you save all of that loveliness for the one who is CLEARLY interested.

Best of luck to you.

Follow Your Bliss,

Jocelyn

About jocelyn.mills

Jocelyn Mills has written 19 post in this blog.

Jocelyn is living, breathing proof that a “can-do” approach to life provides a person with a rich and memorable experience. Teacher, school principal, entrepreneur, athlete, daughter and, most importantly, mother, are but a few hats she has worn over her life, with some hats being worn at the same time. Whenever possible she pursues multiple opportunities to motivate and uplift others.

  • “Why is the sky blue?” EXACTLY the point. Why waste the time and effort in trying to understand WHY it is what it is, when you can just MOVE ON because it is what it is.

    It’s not a court of law where there’s a burden of proof that needs to be met.

  • Yeah, I agree with the need for wanting closure but sometimes you won’t get it from another. Therefore, you will need to move on.

  • Agreed, a church setting doesn’t mean you’ll find someone there with godly qualities. But I can understand why you were so curious, it’s human nature to want closure.