Tough Choices

By Nick Campbell:

Dear TRP,

I currently live with my boyfriend. We have a three year old child together and I have kids by my ex-husband. I think for the last year and half I have just been hanging on in my current relationship out of fear he will try to challenge me for custody of my youngest son who is by him, and I am also afraid of hurting his feelings. We are an interracial couple and to be honest I started missing what the black man has to offer, from his swagger to his musical taste to just the overall fineness of the chocolate skin tone.

My boyfriend is 12 years older then me and doesn’t know how to let one just be them self. He is the smothering type and I can no longer take it. To find solace and some sort of peace of mind I have started a texting/talking on the phone relationship with a gentleman I went to high school with. I have started to fall hard for him, and him for me. My current mate found some text messages that we had been sending and he got all upset as anyone would but he stayed under the notion that I would stop talking to my friend.

By then I was too far in emotionally to cut the relationship short. We have talked about sex and decided that at this point sex can ruin the relationship and we just want to work on us getting to know each other again. I know the right thing to do would be to sit my current mate down and tell him how I feel and move on but if that is the case why am I finding this so hard to do? Please help…

Nick’s thoughts: 

Why is it so hard to do? Because naturally we all want the easy way out. We want our cake and to eat it too! This is the case for men and women alike. The tough choice you’ll be forced to make pales in comparison to the drama and pain that will come as a result of you not making the choice. Whether you choose to stay with the current guy or renew the flame with the ex, you’re going to have make decisions about which route you’d like to take. It’s only right and it’s fair to everyone involved. But let’s take the latter, since that seems to be where you’re headed. If you’re concerned about custody issues, the best thing to do is keep your relationship drama separate from your parenting relationship. That’s easier said then done of course, and in the beginning it may get a little rough. But keep the communication and dealings with him focused on what’s best for your child. If he’s not cool with that, then oh well. You’ve done your part and if it goes to court for custody, then do your research and fight for your child. It is what it is at that point.

As for the new/old flame: Honestly, I wouldn’t even get with dude just yet. You mentioned your current BF was smothering you and lacked some physical things that make you tick. And as a result it somewhat “drove” you into the arms of this old flame. But that doesn’t mean you really should get with him. In other words, you need to resolve some stuff with yourself first. You didn’t severe ties with him before you got with the old flame. So did you cheat? Well, sort of. There’s been no sex yet, but you’ve emotionally cheated!

At this point he’d be just a rebound, and at some point he’s gonna realize that. Then you’ll be dealing with a whole other form of insecurity and smothering. You’ll be doing the dating version of robbing Peter to pay Paul. The fact that he’s willing to deal with you in that manner, knowing you’re in a relationship, should have your radar up! But you’re on the right track by not jumping into the sack right away. It’s all emotional confusion that will only get worse.

At this point, it’s time to make a decision. Don’t let it drag on any further, and whether you stay or leave is up to you. But show everyone the respect by sparing them the agony of being drug along. Be careful on how you go about it too, your other kids who will be affected by this too. Include them in the conversation about what you decide to do, they’ll appreciate knowing what’s up.

Best of luck! And I hope it works out for you..

-Nick C.


About Nick Campbell

Nick Campbell has written 163 post in this blog.

A modern day gentleman who loves to explore all aspects of relationships and discuss problems this new generation faces in love. Born and raised in the Bay Area, well traveled and cultured. Single Dad, tech connoisseur and news junkie. Drop a line if there is something you'd like discussed!

  • You need to have a conversation with your current partner and let him know the same things you just shared with us – the relationship has ran its course.

    Whether you break-up with him now or he realizes later that you’re just not into it anymore and he ends it – if you all are going to have a custody battle, you’re going to have it regardless.

    Staying in an unhealthy relationship does a disservice to EVERYONE involved, including your child…
    .. part of being an adult is making the tough adult choices. Only children have easy choices in life, because adults make the tough choices for them.New dick or not. You need to be an adult and TALK to him.