My husband and I have four children, his two boys 12 and 13 in a few weeks and two we have together 3yrs and 7mths. the boys mother initially had visitation but she moved to another country. I was not told, I overheard a conversation between my husband and his mother.
I am a stay at home mom and hubs is hardly around…so I do the disciplining. However the 13 yr old when disciplined, complains to grammy, grammy complains to hub and hub blows everything up and causes a big rucus. Sometimes i feel like the idiot because the boy knows what he does and hub just falls for it. Then hub goes off about I dont show the older two any attention, I don’t love them etc, etc….he is basing this now because the other day he called them in the kitchen to me and said ‘let me show u’ and asked the boys…”tell meme (me) how she makes you feel when she asks youll to do chores”? i was like, ‘this man can’t be serious!’. One of the boys said…well sometimes I am tired. I dont know how I can put up with this foolishness.
I was cooking and asked them to fold towels, my husband told them leave those alone and that I would do it. I aked him why he said because he wants me to do it and that HIS children are not my slaves. Meanwhile the kids were simply watching t.v. This is getting ridiculous! he calls me petty, lazy, spiteful, etc etc. I think he is raising them wrong. he doesn’t see my point. We are both christians… I told him he is putting the kids before me and cares not to hear anything… but just comes home argues his point and his mothers point and tells me he doesnt have to listen to me because everything I say is foolishness and the reason I do stuff is because I am spiteful. I have gotten to the point, that if your children always complaining about me, and if we have to go through all of this, keep them away from me. I am not raising children I cant discipline. The second son…has his issues but I would keep him with me forever if I could.
I was thinking about going to his pastor but he may ask my husband to choose between his children and our marriage. I am afraid he may choose the older boys and forsake us because he feel he is defending them. I think he is hurting them more than defending them. I dont want them to live separte from him…he is their dad. I just wish he would join forces with me and see that I am doing nothing wrong. It’s like he would prefer they watch t.v all day while i do housework, mind our baby and 3yr old son and pick up after him and the older boys…its unfair. He now says I need to submit, he doesn’t understand what that is, especially his role, which is not to abuse me. I am treated so badly at times… last incident he complained that I had eaten the boys spaghetti, when I had infact given it to one of the little ones, he took the breakers out the breaker box for the ac, and water heater.
I am frustrated and brokenhearted… he is not living up to his side. Its hard to deal with. I need help. He gets upset over the least little thing and says that I don’t love his boys. I think its his mom who nit picks at stuff like that…because she really babies those boys and does not discipline them. They dont listen to her and do what they like. When hub and I have a disagreement… he takes them early to his mom and brings them back late (which i told him doesnt help…it looks like i dont want them) its hurting me so bad. Now he is not emotionally there for our baby and 3 yr old saying that I wanted separation so he is showing me what I am doing to them because that is what separation is like. They havent seen him in a few days…as he leaves early for work and comes late when they’re asleep. I feel like a fool, I feel tricked and I feel abused. It seems like nothing will be good enough, he says he sees where I can do it because he sees potential, what about the stuff I do, do?
He is loved in church too so very few of them know of his bad side and perhaps think am the undeserving one. All i do, just to agree with him on things about his mom, sister, or the older boys, otherwise am looking for hell for a good while. me and our 2 young children.
Ordinarily, I’d be right there with you fighting to save this marriage! However, in all honesty, unless your husband wants this marriage as much as you do, I can only see years of mental abuse ahead of you. I can’t promote that.
Since you ask for help and advice that does not include separation or divorce, my advice to you is, stand your ground! Put your foot down in your marriage and be prepared for the fallout. From what you say, your husband has no respect for you as a person or a wife. Right now he doesn’t have to, because you are not demanding it. You set the bar as to how you want to be treated. At the moment that bar is on the floor.
Tell him what you are prepared to do, what you are not prepared to do and stick to it. It won’t be easy and your husband won’t take it lying down. He may even leave you or force you out. However, there is always the chance, that he’ll bend. After all, a failed marriage won’t look good to the church, will bruise his ego and might be enough of a motivation for him to meet you at least half way. Your consistency, might be enough for the two of you to find a common ground that is acceptable to you both. If the children see a strong example of a wife/mother… they may well settle into being secure. The elder one may well feel abandoned by his own mother and so be mistrustful of a ‘stand in’, if he sees a firm boundary, he may well learn to trust and warm to you.
You don’t say how long you have been married or what your relationship was like before the boys came to you full time. Or at what point you married him. Based on all you have said, I can’t help but wonder why you so desperately want to keep a marriage that is abusive and oppressive. I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself and ask ‘Is this really worth my sanity, self respect and self esteem?’ If you come up with YES as an answer then, you are going to have to find a way to get your husband to see that his concepts of marriage, his role in a marriage and his concepts of parenting, need a revamp. Without that, you are fighting an uphill battle.
You don’t have any faith in the pastor, you can’t turn to his mother for sound advice regarding your marriage and by the sounds of things, marriage guidance wouldn’t be accepted by him either. So the only thing you have left is your own tenacity. Can you live in a marriage where you don’t interact with ALL the children equally? Can you make love to a man for the next 40yrs that has no regard for your feelings? Are you prepared to live like a doormat and allow your children to use that as an example for their own relationships later on? If you can do that, you’ll keep your marriage. This man isn’t about love, honour and respect. As I read your letter, The Colour Purple came to mind. Is this really what you want for yourself?
I’m assuming you have no finances of your own as a stay at home mum, that accommodation would be difficult for you and the children and that a failed marriage is something that you don’t want. I have news for you, your marriage failed when your husband started treating you like a housemaid and nanny and you allowed it. Maybe, it would be worth trying to generate your own finances so that IF at any point you decide enough is enough, you will be in a position with choices.