“LOVE IS AN EMOTIONAL EVALUATION OF THE TRIGGERING OF NEUROTRANSMITTERS IN THE BRAIN AND THE RELEASE OF NEUROMODULATORS‘
I recently had a conversation with some folks and one of the gentlemen described what love was in a scientific way. He went on to call it a ‘perception’, ‘judgement’, ‘evaluation’. I translated that like this.
You see a person and they are appealing to you, it triggers a chemical release in your brain that makes you feel good. You then associate the way you are feeling with the person. The feeling you get, is so nice, you want to keep it going, so you stay in that person’s presence. (Start dating)… So long as that person continues to exhibit whatever it was that triggered the initial chemical release… everything is good. However, like any chemical reaction in the brain, you build up a ‘tolerance’ to having that chemical in your blood stream. So now you have to create stimulii to keep the level of chemical up. This is where the ‘honeymoon’ period is over and it’s time to start working.
Now you have to DO something to get that chemical reaction. So you think about what makes YOU feel loved and, quite reasonably, do that for the person. In return they will do it for you and the chemical level will either stabilize at a point where you continue to have that ‘good feeling’, or it will rise even further.
Unfortunately it doesn’t quite work like that. What makes you feel good, isn’t necessarily what makes the other person feel good. ‘No matter what I do, it just isn’t enough’… chances are, you’re doing LOTS of things that you THINK a person would like, but not doing the ONE thing, that particular person needs. Worse thing of all, is that sometimes that person doesn’t know what it is either, so can’t actually tell you. Where love comes in is when the other person being happy is more important to you than you being happy. And your happiness is more important to the other person than their own.
Can you hear alarm bells ringing??? Am I seriously telling you to ignore your own happiness and just keep giving?
No, I’m saying we each have to find what makes us feel loved and what makes our significant others feel loved. When we have done that, we relate what we need to them and we cater to their particular love need. If your partner refuses to meet your needs initially, by continuing to meet their needs, might well soften them a little, and gently telling them how important it is to you and how it affects the relationship, might just be what that person needs to hear, in order to invest in him/herself. Because that is what we are doing. When we do for our partner simply because it makes them feel good, it has a twofold effect.
1. It makes you feel good to see the person you love happy
2. When a person is happy, they are more likely to give of them self, which in this case, is giving you what you need.
‘So, what happens if what makes them feel good is something I don’t like doing?’ – Ask yourself this, ‘do I love this person?’, ‘do I want them to be happy?’, ‘how do I feel when this person is happy?’ Now, ask yourself, ‘is doing this or that for them really such a big price to pay?’
‘So, what happens if I’m the only one doing the ‘giving’…’ – If you are the only one giving, despite having expressed your needs, then you do have to accept that you are being taken for granted; that the person you love, does not hold your happiness in as high regard as you, theirs. Sounds harsh, and sounds judgmental. To a degree it is. However, it is what it is. If you have expressed your needs, explained how it feels to you, what that feeling is converted into, in regards to your relationship and the other person STILL doesn’t even TRY to meet your needs. There is a problem.
When you or you partner put your own petty discomforts before the well being of each other, there is a problem. ‘I don’t like football…’ maybe not, but your partner loves it, and what makes her feel loved is when you spend time together sharing each others passions. If you were to go with her to ONE game in the season… that would be the one she remembered above all, because she knows you did that for no other reason than to make her happy. ‘I can’t cook…’ so what? your partner loves when you do things for him, if you were to learn how to make his favourite dish and serve it once a month… nothing would stop him making beeline for home to eat it, because he knows, you did it specifically to make him happy.
Women say, well if I have to tell him, it wont mean so much!
We don’t read each others minds, there is no prescription as to how to make someone feel loved. We each have our own needs. If all a man knows, is that his woman is female, he could spend a lifetime doing trial and error before he stumbles on what makes her happy. Why put him through that if you already know? What’s so hard about saying, ‘darling, I like when you bring me gifts, the thought that you were thinking of me and might make me a card out of headed paper and leave it in the car for me to find… would make me feel loved.’ Or, ‘When you go fishing and find a really nice fish, clean it, cook it and make me a meal out of it, it would make me feel loved’ Or, ‘if you were to pick a flower out of Mrs Grant’s prize garden, and bring it to me, it would make me feel loved’… these are not things that he might ever have thought of doing and may even find it a little ridiculous… however, knowing you’d feel loved if he did them would inspire him to do it, and other things… if he doesn’t know however, is it really his fault?
Just because a person doesn’t know HOW to make you feel loved, doesn’t mean they don’t love you. If a person loves you and knows what it is that makes you feel loved… they’ll do it.