Dear Relationship Playbook
Hi I’m Debra and I’m on your FB page and here is my long question/explanation below:
I have an acquaintance who just discovered her husband has previously been married and divorced…twice. Also, he has a criminal record as long as my arm; she’s 42 and he’s 50. She recently found out because she had to post his bail and he was charged with 1 count each of forgery, embezzlement, fraud and theft. When they found an attorney, his previous history was discovered about the other marriages and previous convictions.
She has known him for 8 yrs and married for 6 and she didn’t have a clue about the previous marriages. But she knew about the extra income that was coming into the household but never inquired; she assumed it was income from his home improvement business. She thought about conducting a background check, but he convinced her not to. She works for Homeland Security and his actions has put her Top Security clearance in danger. Maybe there were signs and maybe she dismissed them; I don’t know, only she knows that.
She talked to his family & friends, coworkers but never did a background check. Her husband had been embezzling money since 1993 (charged, convicted and served jail time) and his recent arrest he has been accused of stealing $9000 from two seniors. Relationships take time to develop through open and honest communication and sometimes people are not going to divulge anything about themselves because they are constantly scheming and playing games. So what do you think about getting background checks when you are going into a long term relationship or marriage?
Personally, I wouldn’t get married without having a FULL criminal background check (which means you need to be finger printed – none of that $19.95 online BS) credit report, HIV test, STD papers, and if I could figure out how to use it – I’d need a urine sample as well. I wouldn’t even have you live in my house without one. Call it obsessive, over board, not trusting, etc., but the reality is – people lie. They’ve lied since the beginning of time and will lie until the end of time. Hell, I’m sure when people stand before their God and give an account for what they’re done, they’re like, “Umm, it wasn’t me – you got it all wrong, God.” LOL!
I even ran a background check on my son’s step-father, just to make sure there’s nothing crazy in his past. The only person’s information I trust is my own, and this situation is an example why.
Now that doesn’t mean I’ll exclude you because of your past; however, I’m not going to leave it up to you to make the decision for me by just blindly trusting what you say. And it doesn’t mean, I’m not going to go beyond your back either. We’ll have the conversation like adults, and you’ll know up-front that I’m going to do it. If that doesn’t work for you, then you’re just not the one for me.
So by all means, people get them done. Before you say, “I do”, make sure you completely know who you’re saying, “I do” to.