Meet Me Halfway

By Nick Campbell:

I’ve been dating this guy for about 2 months now. Everything has been going almost perfectly in the beginning. We’ve  been going out every weekend consistently and we’ve been spending a lot of time together. After about a month, Valentines Day was coming up and I decided to do something nice for him. I went to Michael’s, got him a flower pot, seeds, and wrote him a “love letter”. (This is where everything hit the fan). I didn’t see him all that weekend leading up to V Day so I assumed since we didn’t see each other then; I was sure we were going to see each other on VDay. Everything was going great and I thought things were progressing.  V Day comes and I don’t see him nor do I get anything from him (which wasn’t that big of a deal).

However, I got really upset. I was upset that I didn’t get to see him, even though I went through all this trouble to do something for him, and he didn’t come by to at least get it. I was so pissed off I called him and cried over the phone. I told him that I didn’t feel like he cared about me. I already told him over the weekend I was making something for him. After that whole thing happened, he promised to come by one day after work. That day, he forgot about it because he said he had a lot to do at work and it slipped his mind. I was upset but didn’t display my anger that time…. I just simply said “ok”. But he knew by my tone I was disappointed and it did nothing but confirm the fact that he didn’t care.

After the Valentines Day thing, we haven’t been spending too much time together. Basically I told him that I was the type of person that needed a lot of time; but I know we all have things to do so I ask at least once a week. We barely talk on the phone during the week. I would like to talk to him on the phone more often to get to know him better; especially since we aren’t seeing each other often. He tells me that he is not trying to rush into anything and that he is cautious when getting to know somebody. He says that based on his past experiences, he has made some pretty quick decisions to be with someone and regretted it later. He says that he enjoys spending time with me but if he’s tired, then he’s tired. He finally admitted that I can be pushy sometimes when it comes to spending time together.

I told him that after a month and a half, I feel like I still don’t know too much about him, and I would like for him to be more open. He says he is and in due time. I just want our communication to get better and for him prioritize us spending time if he is interested. That is how I measure if someone is interested or not. By spending time and including me in the things that is most important to them.

So I asked him what his cut off time is and he said a year (as far as how long he would need before a relationship). He said he wants a serious relationship but doesn’t want to rush and make the same mistakes as before. He says that he thinks my pace is a tad bit faster than his. I told him my cut off time was 6 months. I don’t think that it takes longer than that to make a decision. Everyday I’m growing more and more impatient. I try dating other people but then I grow tired thinking of the process of having to get to know someone all over again.

I constantly fantasize about having children and getting married. Someone to spend lots and lots of time with, helping each other achieve goals. I have always had an issue with patience and I have never dated someone who moved so slowly. I thought everything was going well and would eventually evolve into a relationship soon, but I definitely had a rude awakening on that.

My question is: How do I deal with my patience level? How do I get him to open up and spend more time with me without being pushy? I like to be pursued and asked out…..what do I do?

I always seem to “beat the guy to the punch” when it comes to asking out because in the back of my mind I feel like it won’t get done if I don’t. I asked him would it bother him if he didn’t see me for a couple weeks and he said no not really, it depends on why and what I had to do.

I think I’m depressed….any other advice??

Nic’s Thoughts:

Well it sounds like you’re dealing with a variety of issues here, I’ll try to sort it out one at a time.

Your feelings:

You mentioned that you’ve been dating this person for about 2 months now. Here’s where it can get sticky. In those two months what are your expectations? I ask that because two months can be considered a long time for one person, and to the next it’s like you met just yesterday. Considering how time flies, I would have to say two months or 60 days, is not a long time. With that said I can understand your stance, you seem to really like this guy but it doesn’t seem to be mutual to you. His actions don’t read like someone who is interested in you, or at least not to the level of your liking. But is he really obligated to at this point? Imagine if it was reversed, you met a guy who is interested in you, and 2 months in he wants to spend valentine’s day with you. Now you may or may not be cool with that. But if you didn’t could he really trip? I could see if you were both dating for about a year or so and in a committed relationship, but after 2 months I can see why it may not have crossed his mind. In dating it’s very common for there to be a mismatch in feelings. But that doesn’t mean over time those feelings can’t grow stronger and catch up to where you’re at.

Your reaction:

It doesn’t sound as if you guys BOTH made plans for valentines day. I know you planned something for him with the gift from Michael’s and the gift you made him. But it doesn’t sound as if you were both on the same page about that day. Personally, I thought it was a great idea and a very nice gesture. And you shouldn’t regret that. But he’s not on the same page as you, so unless you know he flaked on you intentionally, there is no need to be angry. As you said, you “assumed” you’d be together that night. He either didn’t get the memo, or just wasn’t into it. Or a little bit of both. So let’s again reverse it and imagine getting a call from someone you’ve been seeing for about 2 months. On this call they are cursing you out for missing valentine’s day as if you were a couple. To a lot of men the image of Glenn Close starts floating around when that happens. I’m sure some women would say the same, it’s not even about gender; it’s more so about when someone cares less than you do. I can understand how it hurt your feelings, but I cant say he flaked on you in a malicious way. He’s just not feeling you the same way because he would’ve likely asked you to do something on valentine’s day. So even if you guys aren’t on the same page, you can get on your own page. You can do this by never assuming someone is feeling you the way you feel them. When it happens you won’t have to ask, you’ll feel it because they’ll be showing it. Overall, in some ways you’re being a little pushy, but in other ways, what you desire should be expected too! Try working on keeping that on even keel, it will help you long term.

Your expectations:

I commend the both of you for having that important conversation about expectations. Many people wait until years have passed to say “where is this going?. Conversely, you can’t always get a real indicator on where things will go by having a conversation 2 weeks into it either. So you both spoke at some point about what is an appropriate timeframe for things to evolve. But that will not give you the assurance you need.  You can never really put a timeline on how a relationship will develop. There are a lot of factors that can dictate it, they range from personal goals, school, career, trust ETC which can all take up time. You see how fast two months flew by, imagine how fast a year will go by. So my suggestion is to continue monitoring the progress and milestones you make together. But you don’t need to stress out if a year is approaching and he hasn’t proposed yet. An expectation you have about a partner wanting to spend time with you, and be as interested as you are is understandable. You are absolutely correct about that and should enforce that with anyone. Just don’t “expect” that everyone will put in the work you’re willing to put in. Because everyone wont… but the real one for you definitely will. It doesn’t mean they’ll earn it right away, but they will work towards it.

In closing…

I don’t think you’re depressed, but I’m not a doctor and I can’t officially diagnose you. But it sounds more like confusion about how to go about things with this particular man. Going forward try to resist “beating someone to the punch”. I think it’s fine to do your part and put in the effort you see fit, but don’t stress yourself with the expectation that every relationship will work or should work. Your pace may be indeed faster than his, and he made that clear. Don’t be frustrated, take heed to it. This is a good time to ask yourself if you have a “problem” with patience like you asked. I can’t answer that and neither can he. Only you know what you’re willing to deal with and what your limits are. Just be sure to keep doing what you’re doing by communicating that to him and anyone else you deal with it. You can never go wrong with talking about it. So that’s a challenge for you to work on (patience), exercising patience can do wonders. But that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate BS either.

A way to practice patience is to always take a step back and look at things in reverse. “How would I feel about that?” And you can try to get him to open up by making sure he doesn’t feel “closed in” by what your asking. It’s a good idea to make sure he doesn’t feel there will be a consequence behind his response. For example, when you talk about the “6 month” timeframe be sure to tell him WHY it’s important to you and assure him he won’t be judged on his response. Exercise patience by understanding that everyone is different and works at a different pace in life. And if you prefer to be pursued and asked out, then just keep being a “lady” and don’t tolerate any man not showing you the respect and chivalry you deserve. By being patient you’ll eventually find someone who’s dedication matches yours. In the meantime you don’t need to cling to anyone for the sake of being with someone. The goal of getting married with children is perfectly fine, but wouldn’t you prefer to do it the right way? And make sure it lasts? Don’t be afraid to start over! No one wants to be a serial dater, but there’s no harm in taking your time (patience) I hope this can give you something to think about, but in the end it’s your decision. I hope it works out for the best!

Best of luck!

-Nic

 

 

About Nick Campbell

Nick Campbell has written 163 post in this blog.

A modern day gentleman who loves to explore all aspects of relationships and discuss problems this new generation faces in love. Born and raised in the Bay Area, well traveled and cultured. Single Dad, tech connoisseur and news junkie. Drop a line if there is something you'd like discussed!