Dear Relationship Playbook
Hey WW. I need your opinion and your help and your honest two cents worth on a certain situation. There’s this man i know. No. There’s this man I love, name Wilson. I met him when I was 18yrs old now I’m 23 going on 24. From the minute I saw him I knew he was someone I could barely live without and I think he felt it too because before the night was through, he was telling me he’s in love with me. Now you see back then i had nearly no experience with men. I had lived a sheltered life in a sheltered corner of the world run by my mother and i could be forgiven for being naive. But now I’m a grown woman and i can’t afford such madness. Here’s the problem. Wilson and I never really got the chance to date. Before we knew it he was off to college and we lost track. And we both moved on with our lives, dating other people and such. But he was always in the back of my mind as i was in his. So two years go by and he comes back and the love is still there just like the first day we met. And then another six months go by and he is back at Stanford fresh from a break up with someone else. I have my own mess to clear up but we meet up anyway and start the cycle again only this time we decide we are staying together. Now here is where it gets difficult.
Last June when he came back home he refused to take my calls, wouldn’t call or text back and refused to see me until i made his brother make him. I just wanted to know what was going on. So we met. And he told me to my face that he has a new girl and he doesn’t understand why i am still holding on since he sent me an email saying he’d moved on (just for the record, he never sent that email; or if he did he sent it to someone else. i never got it). And i took it. I thought i would go crazy but i didn’t. I was a lady through and through, not letting a curse out nor meaning him any violence. But two months later he was back. This time we met at my cousin’s wedding.
Both our families were there and his brother was on the groom’s line-up. So there he was acting like nothing ever happened, hugging me and smiling and pretending to the whole world we are alright. And then he goes and apologizes and i take his apology and we have a great time. He asks for my number and promises to call. Two weeks go by. Nothing. A few days later i see on Facebook that he’s in a relationship with the same person he’d left me for. I don’t like it but i back off. A week later my brother tells me how Wilson was singing about how he’s coming back to marry me and how he’s so in love with me. I lost it. But my mother did a good job of raising me so i kept it together and went on my way. My birthday came around and since i was asking all my other friends to come, i asked him to. He couldn’t make it. Those were the only words we spoke in three months. And then I ran into him in the city. First time from my job, next day on my way home. We were cordial but i was walking a tight rope. We said our goodbyes and then i ran into his best friend and this time i lost it in public but i let it go. Some time passed and i thought i was okay until sometime in January. I woke up wishing him all sorts of violence, writing him message after message, email after email of every curse word i know, telling him to stay the hell away from me and my family and everyone i know, deleting his number and blocking his Facebook. And it worked. I was finally rid of him from my system. Only i ran into him last week at a bar in the city.
It was a bit weird but it was raining and we had a few drinks. Later that night we had sex for the first time in five years. Yeah. That’s right. We’d only had sex that first night that we met. All through the years though the question of sex had come up it was simply not as important as the being with each other, the conversation, the hanging out, the dating. He’s still in a relationship with the girl he left me for but he claims he’s still coming back for me and he will marry me. Am i a fool for believing this man? I have never gone out of my way to get him; he always comes back. I’ve never schemed, worked on it or lied and no matter who I’m with, no matter what i do, i still love him above all else and i know with my deepest of hearts that he loves me too. My friend says he’s just trying to get laid but i don’t believe her. I don’t know who to believe but my heart tells me this man belongs to me. He calls himself my husband and last week he told me to just be patient and hold on. He’ll be around and soon. I don’t think i can do that but i don’t think i can do that. I am an extremely beautiful woman and i get mine and men are not a problem but sometimes i feel all else is useless if i am not with him. He says he wants me to have his babies. He says he wants to be coming home to me. He says he wants me in his life as his one and only.
He says many things and i don’t know what to believe and i know he can’t lie to me. Only he did. Oh I don’t know! I just know he loves me. Am i crazy?
So sorry for dragging you into this mess. I just need help . and thanks a million, not just for me, but for all that you do. God bless
First, let’s get rid of all of the “sugar” – the sweet stuff. Take away the fairytale, prince charming that you fell in love with at first sight and he fell in love with you. Let’s not forget the “made for TV” couple whose love survived the impressionable college years and somehow “found” each other after dating multiple people. Then there’s the perfect “love Jones” bar scene where you two talked for hours, had great conversation, and the pouring rain outside made it seem so “right” to have sex. Finally take away all of his sweet promises of coming back to take your hand in marriage and rescue you from the life you’re in.
What do you have once you take away all that superficial sugar? You’re left with a pile of sh*t.
For a minute let’s forget about what you want to believe and let’s focus on what you actually know. What you know is that you were not his first choice – when he went off to college he decided to date other people, NOT named you. You weren’t his second choice, because “even after two years and the love was still there just like the first day you met”, he comes back 6 months later from a fresh break with someone else NOT named you. And even though you weren’t his first or second choice, you was like “Eff It”, I’ll gladly be his third choice and you two decided that “you’re going to stay together”.
But then guess what? You weren’t his third choice either.
His third choice was to leave you and – once he decided to stop playing the chicken sh*t avoidance game – he told you to your face that he found someone else. It sounds like something happened between the two of them because he came back to your two months later. Surely you’d be his fourth choice, right?
Wrong. Face book let you know that he went back to her and he professed it to the world that he chose her and is in a relationship with her. So now you bring out the big guns and you decide to give him some ass. I won’t even get into that while you’re having sex with him, he’s actually in a relationship with someone else. Who cares if it was the first time in 5 years. Ask his girlfriend if that matters. But back to his choices… surely that mystical, majestically, piece of heavenly goodness between your legs was enough to solidify you as his fifth choice, right?
Nope. He’s still in a relationship with her.
So now you’re stuck at being his sixth choice. But wait… he still didn’t choose to be with you. Instead he chooses to gas you up with words, telling you “he’s going to be your husband… just be patient, etc. So after 6 opportunities he can’t even be your boyfriend, but yet he’s going be you husband? Yeah OK.
Now after understanding all of this, if you still choose to hold out hope of being “Lucky #7” then there’s nothing I or anyone else can tell you. But if you ever decide to stop gambling with house money, you’ll see that you’re not that lucky – you’re simply in love with HOPE.
If you have relationship challenges you’d like answered, email them to firstname.lastname@example.org