The Romance Is Gone

Hey TRP!

I need some advice. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. He’s been there for my daughter and I since she was 9 months old, and treats her like she’s his own. We’ve been through a lot both good and bad. We moved in together 4 months ago, and things are just not the same. Everything is so boring. We get along, but the romance aspect is gone.  It’s even gotten to the point where he will wake up, eat breakfast, and go right back to sleep until 2:00pm, wake-up, take a shower, and then leave for work at 3:00pm. All the free-time he has he spends sleeping, playing video games for hours, or chillin with his boys at home. When I suggest things…it’s always “Not today.” He says I shouldn’t complain about anything because he’s always home when he’s not at work. Yes, the quantity of time is good….but the “quality” time isn’t there. There’s no more flowers, kisses for no reason, dates, or even a hug just because.  We haven’t had sex in 13 days (yes I’m counting!) and when we have, for the past couple of months it’s just been a stick and move situation. No warming up, 4play or anything. When I’ve initiating all I get is “in a minute…let me get to a save point on my game.” WTF I’m starting to feel like he treats me like one of his “home girls or friends” instead of his woman. He acts like he doesn’t have to do those things anymore. When I talk to him about it he says I’m just nagging and should be grateful considering he’s holding down our bills and some of my old ones too, since I lost my job. I’m getting tired, and can really say I’m not happy anymore. Am I selfish for feeling this way? Could this mean he’s no longer attracted to me?

Angel’s Thoughts:

No.  You are not selfish for feeling the way that you do.  Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon occurrence.  I can’t say whether he’s not attracted to you anymore or not.  Have you asked him that?  People don’t always have to not be attracted to us because they stop being affectionate.  We women think that way because that’s the way that a great deal of us are wired but it’s not always true.

Perhaps the pressures of playing house are getting to him.  It’s one thing to do all of those wonderful things with your girlfriend.  When you’re in your own space, there’s no pressure of having to actually take care of someone other than yourself all of the time and there’s no pressure of being a full time father (live-in).  That’s an adjustment for married people.  I imagine it must be difficult for someone that’s not married.  He’s taken on a lot of responsibility.  If you hadn’t referred to him as boyfriend, I would have immediately thought he was your husband.

Yall are taking on the lives of married folks and he’s treating you like an overstressed husband would treat a wife.  As life settles down in marriage all of those wonderful little things don’t happen regularly all of the time; particularly at high stress times.  Folks get comfy and don’t always do the little things they used to.  As for the sex situation… I see a problem there.  If you have to come after a save point in a game, red flags and warning bells should be going off everywhere.

The question is what do you do?  You can do nothing and worry or get angry about it.  You can sit and attempt to have a truly candid conversation about it.  You can be the seducer for a man who may be a little tired.  Have you tried any of those things?  If you feel that you’ve tried all that you can think of and nothing is working, you have a decision to make.  Do you stay with someone that gives you no affection?  What are yall’s plans for the future?  Is this a deal breaker for you?  These are some things that you should think about now.  You have a child.  Her impression of a healthy relationship starts with you and the man that is her father figure.  Is this what you want her to see?  I suggest that the two of you work this out immediately so that you can both be in a place of peace and your daughter gets the best out of the both of you.  I wish you well.
If you have questions on life, love or romance, email us @ crunchtime@gmail.com

About Angel Monique

Angel Monique has written 59 post in this blog.

Angel Mo has been happily married for over 10 years and is the mother of 5 wonderful children. She loves seeing others happily in love, whether it is with a significant other or with oneself. She believes that love, understanding and acceptance of your own person is the foundation of a lasting relationship. You can email her at angelmo@relationshipplaybook.com

  • Lilbittyquita

    First, moving in with him was not the greatest idea. It sounds to me like he has the “why by the cow when the milk is free” syndrome. I understand that you lost your job but you may want to look into getting you own until he decides he wants to do things the right way, being married instead of just playing house. A man will only get away with the things you let him get away with. Not passing judgment but please take those things into consideration.