“For Better or For Worse” is a series of one woman sharing her story about dealing with infidelity in her marriage and why she chose to stay with her husband.
I had to get it together.
My eyes were puffy from crying and I felt weak. I was physically and emotionally drained, as if the life had been sucked out of me. I literally had no more tears left inside of me. I felt so alone, I didn’t even have a shoulder to cry on. I’m a very private person and that made it difficult for me to trust anyone with my marital problems. I was also tired of hearing how I should count my blessings because he was a good husband and father. I looked at myself in the mirror and was disgusted by what I saw. I hated myself for being devoted to this cheating scum. I hated myself even more for loving him.
How can you love someone who doesn’t value his commitment? Why should I settle for anything less than what I have given him?
I have been 100% faithful and I had never so much as looked at another man. I admit that I had fallen into accepting the “boys will be boys” double standard bullshit, but is it so unreasonable for me to expect my husband not to cheat if the opportunity arises? Is it unreasonable for me to expect him to respect his commitment to his family and think about how his behavior might affect us? How could I have been so naive? Men don’t change, they hibernate until it’s safe to come out and play again.
I was locked in my bedroom while the kids were going about there business outside. I didn’t want our children to see me in that condition. We’ve always been careful about not letting them be affected by our problems. They’ve never seen anything escalate above a quick exchange of words or the silent treatment. They adore their father and they’re both old enough to know when something is not right. I wouldn’t want them hearing anything that would make them skeptical of him. He’s a good father and their love for him is well deserved. I would never want taint his image in their eyes. Although this was a problem that bilaterally affected them, there was no room in their world for such issues.
I took a warm shower and tried my best to pick up the pieces. I was still in a catatonic state. The kids obviously noticed something was wrong, so I told them I had allergies and was feeling under the weather. They bought it. My daughter made me a cup of tea (she’s precious), oblivious to the fact that there was no tea that could mend my broken heart. I kept trying to focus but I kept seeing the words I had just read repeatedly in my mind, up until the point where I could recite them verbatim. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I added images to the words and started picturing their encounters. In my mind, I saw my husband caressing and making love to this woman. I didn’t even know what she looked like but I could picture her in my head. I could see her as clear as day, enveloped in MY LOVE. There was nothing I could do to shut down those images.
I decoded to stop imagining and find a real face …C.I.A. sombrero-back to the computer.