“For Better or For Worse” is a series of one woman sharing her story about dealing with infidelity in her marriage and why she chose to stay with her husband.
My mistake wasn’t staying; it was staying and not working through it.
He tried everything he could to get the old me back, but she was gone. He offered to go to counseling, but I refused. I was damaged and I had no idea how to fix myself. I believed that I needed to start a self healing process, but I wasn’t ready to heal. I didn’t want to get past anything. I didn’t want to work things out. I didn’t want to believe anything. I just wanted to be left alone. Now that I think back I believe that this is where my depression began. I stayed physically, but inside I was gone. I had gone so far that I couldn’t find my way back. I had gone to places emotionally that I never knew existed. I had thoughts that had never before crossed my mind. I was completely lost, alone, and vulnerable.
This is where I was when the other man in my life found me.
I had exchanged words with him occasionally, but there had never been any interest on my part and he never showed interest either. I knew he was attracted to me, but he kept his distance. The fact that I was spoken for wasn’t a secret. I can honestly say that throughout my marriage I was 100% faithful, in every essence of the word. My feelings for my husband didn’t leave room for anything else. I got many propositions, some of them indecent, but it was always the same. They were rejected. The most ironic part of it is that I didn’t have to fight any demons.
I just didn’t feel anything for any man other than my husband…until now.
How it got to this point, I honestly can’t say. It was as if I got sucked into a whirlwind. This man, Mr. X, represented light in my darkness. He started off as a person I had meaningless conversations with and became someone I trusted enough to share my pain with. It all happened so fast. At another point in my life I wouldn’t have allowed myself to get that close to another man, but in him I found a friend who understood me, helped me see things more clearly, and eventually became someone I developed feelings for. This made me question even more where my marriage stood. The fact that I could have these feelings for someone else made me doubt what I felt for my husband. I knew it was love, but was it the same love that kept me by his side? Was it the same love that had grown and evolved over the years or was it something else now? I can’t say the feelings for Mr. X were the same as the feelings for my husband, but they were definitely there.
It was something new to me and I was very confused.