“For Better or For Worse” is a series of one woman sharing her story about dealing with infidelity in her marriage and why she chose to stay with her husband. This is the last installment. To read the previous installment, click here. To read from the beginning, click here
“Two wrongs don’t make a right”… I agree.
I was also wrong, but my intention wasn’t to deceive. I never meant to break my vows or be disloyal to my husband. I always valued our union and gave him the utmost respect, only to realize it was all in vain. I loved and respected for so many years and didn’t receive the respect that I had given in return. In my distress I too made a mistake. I shut my husband out and let someone else in. I sought comfort in the wrong place and things spun out of control. There is an unfinished chapter in this story and until I finish, I can’t move on with my life or my marriage. I refuse to continue wanting a taste of something my husband knows all too well. I will not sacrifice my desires at this point out of for respect for him. I may not ever have another chance to feel about someone the way I feel about Mr. X and I will not spend the rest of my life wondering “what if”.
I have no excuses for where my friendship with Mr. X went, but there are no words for the disappointment and betrayal that I experienced. I’m aware that my reaction is not “healthy”, but I will not apologize for it because it is how I feel. Ultimately my decision is to move on with my life and let go of Mr. X. I want my marriage to survive this crisis and that will happen when I am willing to give it 100% again. I believe that my husband is truly sorry for what he has done and I believe he is ready to start over, but I still don’t trust him. We haven’t been able to move past this because I’m not ready yet. I’m not ready because there is an unfinished chapter in this story.
Until I finish it, I will not move on.
I started my life believing in fairytales and happy endings. Then I slowly came to realize that it’s none of these. Marriage is even less. Collective moments of happiness are what determine whether or not it’s worth it, but it only takes one careless gesture to destroy it all. Sometimes the pieces are shattered beyond repair and you have to start all over again. Most choose to start with someone else. Eventually I will choose to do it again with my husband. When the time comes, I will not blinded by unconditional love, but awakened by a deeper realistic one.
To Mr. X…
I never believed I was capable of loving someone other than him. You were the exception in every sense of the word. You were the one who crossed that line, the one who got close, the one who touched me. You taught me that emotions can’t be explained, controlled, or even understood. With you, I just felt. I stopped thinking about what was right or wrong and I opened myself up to vibe we shared. It was this uncontrollable fire that has been impossible to put out. Lord knows we’ve tried. We were so much different than anything I had experienced. We didn’t have to grow, or mature into anything with time…we just clicked. From the first day there was an undeniable force and when opening up to you I became someone else. We were like old souls in the bodies of two people who could never be together. Words were what bonded us. Not getting physical made the emotional even more intense. It made me yearn for you from deep within. It made me voice things I never thought I would ever say to another man. With you I laughed and I cried. I fell apart and put myself together. I was me- broken and ugly. You saw me even when I showed you someone else.
You loved me even when I didn’t want you to.
You don’t know this, but you were my savior. You were an escape that saved me from myself. You came to me at a point when I not only stopped loving myself, but I stopped loving life. I was always someone who had all the answers and found myself having none. Your existence gave me the answers I needed and I thank you for that. I owe you, and myself, the opportunity of not having to say “what if”. Until that day comes, I will not move on…
You will always be my secret love…