This is the second in a series detailing one woman’s battle with depression. To read the first, click here.
By: Amaris Laurice
I wrote the following e-mails to my friends and family (nevermind I deleted them).But they went something like this…
To my mother:
I’m sorry that I’ve been the bane of your existence. I haven’t been a good person to you and I know I came to you in a time in your life where you had everything figured out and you were free. I know I’ve only made your life worse by having to take care of a child and even in my adult years I’ve proved to be nothing more than a slob. I know I don’t act like it but I love you with all of my heart and I promise I never meant to do anything to hurt you. You are an amazing person and I regret that I wasn’t able to know you at your prime, before me. I gave you hell and for that I am truly sorry. Hopefully now you’ll be able to live your life freely.
To my family members:
I know I’ve always been a pain in the ass. I could always tell that you didn’t want me around. When I was growing up I idolized Nikki & Rocky and when they would torture me or send me away I felt rejected. I loved them so much and wanted to be so much like them that I know that I got on their nerves. I wish you would have liked me more. I wish you would have spent time with me to know that I really am a nice person.
I regret not being able to watch you grow. You are a handsome young man and you are smarter than I ever was. You’re a beautiful soul and I relate to you in so many ways. I know that you’re depressed too but I hope that you can manage it better than I ever could. I love you.
You are the sweetest boy I’ve ever met. You mean well and I’m sorry that you can’t get every single thing you deserve. I see you struggling and trying not to be a bother and I feel you on so many levels. I try my best to do for you but I can’t because I’m a wreck. Please know that your value is priceless and that you will always be a beautiful person. I love everything about you. Please keep growing. I love you.
You are the most artistic, funny, and inspirational guy. I know being the middle child isn’t the greatest thing in the world for you but you’re very independent and I love that about you. You rarely get down and you always have something to joke about. I see the passion you have for the tiniest thing and I admire that about you. You are a rock and don’t you ever lose that. I love you.
You are the comedian. I love it. I know you get looked over because you’re a quiet soul. I see you being loud to get attention, but I see you when you’re quiet. I notice you. You are special to me. I see myself in you more than you know. Your ability to bring a smile to anyone’s face is a gift I wish I had. Please be brilliant. You already are. I hate that I won’t be able to see you grow up because I LOVE YOU dearly.
We’ve always butted heads. You’re the last boy before the girls arrived and you make your presence known with every breath. You’re tortured and I get that. I think we didn’t get along because I saw myself in you. You can’t express yourself so you have these episodes and I totally get it. I’m sorry I never spent more time with you. You are possibly one of the brightest boys I’ve ever met. Please remember that I loved you and that you are special.
You are the love of my life. Oh my God you are so beautiful. You have no idea how much joy you have brought to me in your 3 years of life. I love you so much you would think I gave birth to you. You always manage to make me happy. When you tell me you love me it is the greatest feeling in the world. your hugs are the most amazing. I have never had someone love me so unconditionally as you have. I know you don’t understand this now but please know that I prayed for a daughter like you. You’re funny and smart and witty. You know just what to say at the right time. You’re so so special to me and I know that everyone else thinks the same. We’re kindred spirits. That’s the only way I can think to explain it. You are always smiling and I have no choice but to smile back at you. I know you will be mad at me for leaving you but please know that I have loved you more than I loved anyone in my life. Our bond is special. I still remember the day they brought you home from the hospital. I couldn’t get enough of you. You were smiling from the moment you knew you could and you always knew me. I was always your number 1. You will always be mine.
You are the little girl. The little light of my world. You were harder to reach. It was as if you knew that I would love you immediately and so you played with my heart. You would always frown when I came to you. Oh but when you smile at me it is the best part of my day. You’re not even a year old and you have impacted my life in a way I don’t think you’ll ever be able to comprehend. Your personality already is so amazing I have no doubt that you’ll be a wonderful girl. Please know that I love everything about you. I love your eyes, I love your toes I love those two little teeth at the bottom. I just love you. I’m sorry I won’t be there to watch you grow. You are no doubt beautiful.
To my friends. My true friends. I have been a pain in the ass to deal with and I’m sorry. For those of you who have been there for me through everything please know that I love you with all of my heart. I appreciate everything you have ever done for me. All of the praise and all of the conversations are cherished. Please realize that though you helped me it is more than you could even imagine. Know that you all have played a vital role in my life and I am sorry I couldn’t be better for you. I have already sent you individual messages about how I feel about you all and how I appreciate you. Please be great. Please.