Was it Good For You?

Dear TRP,

I’m about to be 30 in a couple of months and I need major help with my sex game…..I’ve only had one real girlfriend….but I’ve been with a few women here and there…but I never took the time to learn how to please a woman…and now the woman that I’m in love with now…won’t commit to me because of my sex game….and she feels that she shouldn’t have to show a grown all the steps to pleasing her…..and that the only problem she has with me….I’m a good dude…got a good job…and I take care of her and her kids…and they all love me to death…we been friends for over 10yrs….tried to make something work BT two yrs ago…but last summer she told me how she felt and y she won’t commit….but she moved on and got a boyfriend and had a baby….but thru all of that she still maintained the she really loves me…but she can’t look past my problem….so what can I do or say to her?

 

Basee’s thoughts

Nothing is my bet. I don’t think you will have this woman that way that you want to. I’m concerned with a couple of things.

I never took the time to learn how to please a woman

This is a problem, women tend to need to feel like they are the most attractive woman in the world when they are having sex with a man they have feelings for, It makes them feel wanted. Sexual satisfaction is important, however, no two women are the same when it comes to being satisfied. Any man that is having sex with a women for the first time needs to be attentive to what she is responding to in order to be able to work out what she likes and doesn’t like. The fact that you have not tried to develop that skill will cause a problem for you regardless of who you are with.

she feels that she shouldn’t have to show a grown all the steps to pleasing her

I can’t speak for all women on this, however, when a woman loves a man, being sexually intimate with him usually transcends performance and is more to do with sharing of emotion. Satisfaction comes with being together in that way. If there are things she likes that you don’t do, or things she doesn’t like that you do, do, then most women would gently tell you what it is, and how you can make it better. The key as to whether a woman will do this is generally how she feels about that man. If she’s not ‘feeling’ him, it will seem like a chore that she can’t be bothered with.

we been friends for over 10yrs….tried to make something work BT two yrs ago

I think this is where the real issue is. You are in the friend zone and she may ‘love’ you as a friend, confident etc, but doesn’t have any romantic feelings for you.

but she moved on and got a boyfriend and had a baby….but thru all of that she still maintained that she really loves me
I’m not sure if you are saying she is now in a relationship but telling you she loves you or she has split with the boyfriend and telling you this. This sounds like she’s ‘keeping you on warm’. She knows how you feel about her, She knows you are reliable, trustworthy (there is a relationship between you and her children) and will be there for her if she needs you.

Now I know that sounds negative on her part, but she may not even realise that’s what she’s doing. You have a long term friendship that she probably cherishes and doesn’t want to lose. However, she’s not romantically interested. Maybe she gave it a try with you hoping that she could get past the fact that she wasn’t romantically inclined and it didn’t work for her. Unfortunately that’s life sometimes. The people we are attracted to on an emotional and romantic level, are not always attracted to us on that level.

I don’t think sex is the main issue regarding the two of you. It is an issue for you though, because even if you met someone else who did reciprocate your feelings, if they were not being satisfied sexually, it may lead to problems in the relationship. I would suggest you spend some time in the local library and look as some books on sexual techniques. Or browse the internet for some sites that give tips. http://www.askmen.com/ Seems to be quite informative and I’ve seen it posted in the fan page so I’m assuming men find it quite good. This article is interesting too http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1355/is_15_106/ai_n6247470/ . The Relationship Playbook also has some good articles regarding sex and techniques have a browse.

If you can get a copy of the Karma Sutra, you might find things in there that you can do without too much intricacies that will pleasure a woman as well learn new things.

I really think that the friendship you have with this woman is special one. It may be emotionally painful to see her pursuing relationships with other men while you feel the way you do and it may mean putting some distance between you until you can come to terms with things as there are.  I think if you were the best sex she had ever had, there would still be something missing from your relationship that would cause a rift in the long term. Women need to feel that romantic tie to the man they are with, I don’t think she feels that with you. Good luck!

Basee

Do you have any tips for this young man? Leave a comment!

If you have an issue that you would like help with, email us at crunchtime@relationshipplaybook.com

About BaseeSaka

has written 156 post in this blog.

Having experienced most relationship issues, from dating, cohabiting and parting ways, to long distance relationship, ‘near misses’ and heartbreak; I feel that my years have been filled experiences. Experiences that I am inclined to describe as positive. You can email her at: basee@relationshipplaybook.com