Moving Forward

Dear Relationship Playbook

I am suffering from a broken heart. My fiance, and father of my child broke up with me almost 1 month ago. We were together for almost 4 years. He told me he wasn’t in the “mood to be in a relationship”. He told me it wasn’t me, it was him but then he tried to put the blame on me, bringing up things that’s happened in the past, that I thought we were over. He also told a good friend and co-worker of mine that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. That’s nothing new because I’ve heard him say this before. He breaks up with me every few months when things between us aren’t the brightest or when he’s unhappy with the way things are going in his life.

He is saying that this time its permanent…for reasons he still hasn’t told me directly. We weren’t fighting, which is what makes this break up different from the past ones, but he had become distant and wasn’t acting like himself. The most recent reason for this break up I’ve heard is that he feels I have changed for him, to the point that I wasn’t myself anymore and also I put him first. He didn’t say this to me though… I’m so confused. We were planning a future together. We were going to be a family so naturally I would put my family first. After becoming a mom I did change. I want to be a good wife so I changed how I talked to him and approached him about problems that I was having with him. He is always talking about what I’ve done or issues he has with me to other ppl. Ppl I work with, females and family members. Everyones in our relationship. While I go on thinking everythings ok

I’ve found pics of other females in his phone. One girl was wearing lingerie. I’ve found messages between him and another female. He was texting her more than he was texting me…. he always made it look so innocent. Like I was crazy or jealous. He told me he didn’t want to be ina relationship which I understood but then tries to get with one of my co-workers probably the same day we broke up. So I guess he jus didn’t want to be with me. I know about 4 girls that I worked with he was trying to get with. Luckily none of these girls were interested but if they were I wonder what would of happened. We did work together for about a year at this job and yes it was a big mistake and has forever changed our relationship. He is also easily influenced by other ppl and coincidently this happened right after a visit form his brother who he tells everything to and listens to. He has lied to me on so many occasions I’ve lost count.

Ive been 100% honest, loyal and faithful to him but I can’t say the same for him and neither can he. I guess I’m writing you for advice on what I should do. What if he tries to come back? Why he’s doing this and what he could be going through? Oh we’re are pretty young but not so bad. I’m 24 and he’s 23. I would like for u guys to publicize this so I can get many points of views of what other ppl think but can u please keep my name private cuz he is a fan of TRP.

I’m lost, hurt and very confused.

Thanks

Nic’s thoughts…

I don’t feel this is a question of whether he will come back, it’s when. But the dilemma you face, is how much are you willing to tolerate? Roller-coasters are fun at theme parks but emotional one’s aren’t, and if you allow it, this ride will continue. You don’t need to be an expert at love to know someone that wants you, won’t disrespect you and will stay with you.

If this person is constantly breaking things off with you, that’s a clear sign he’s not into you. But if you’re allowing him to come back, each time you’ve opened the door for him to use you as he sees fit. So first off, with him and any man for that matter, don’t let the door to you be revolving. Put a stop to the in and out privileges….

Change is good…

I think its important to understand how change affects us in our dealings with others. The change you spoke of, becoming a mother, wanting your behavior to be consistent of a wife are all signs of good change. These aren’t behaviors we’re just born with, so of course you’re going to come into these behaviors just like a man has to do the same. They are necessary changes and there is nothing wrong with that. So don’t get down on yourself about that choice.

You shouldn’t have to change anything about who you are as an individual, and if that was the change he was referring to, then I could understand that. But if the change is positive that’s something to be valued. So just remember there is a difference between changing who you are to appease someone, and making necessary “adjustments” to your behavior and mentality to achieve a goal. The growth you described is a change that you should be proud to have.

It’s time to move on

There is a laundry list of signs and blatant actions that has “walk away” written all over it. I won’t sit here and try to break down every excuse he threw at you for not wanting to stay with you. It’s about time to take him at his word. It would be in your best interest to just move on. I can understand the loss you’re feeling, and of course the work you put in to be the best partner you could be. But that effort needs to be matched, you deserve nothing less. At minimum, the man in your life should at least “want” to make it work. A relationship needs two people to work. This sounds like you’re in the relationship by yourself.

But if you think he’ll try to work his way back in, keep those excuses in mind and don’t subscribe to any of the negative thoughts this is causing. If he was your fiance’ and wanted to marry you, why would he go around demeaning you to others? He should be proud and beaming about you, not the opposite. I’m usually a fan of trying your best to make things work. But that’s only when both people are coming to the table with the same intentions.

Also consider this: All the behavior shown like flirting with your co-workers, the raunchy pictures in the phone, inappropriate texts, and not being “in the mood” for a relationship all came out BEFORE you got married. I know your hurt and confused, but take some solace in not having to deal with all this in the middle of a marriage. Despite what you’ve been through, you’re now free to live and be open for someone who will appreciate what you have to offer. In order to find the right person, you have to be willing to let go of the wrong person.

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them” -Maya Angelou

Best of luck to you..

You can send your relationship questions to TRP at: crunchtime@relationshipplaybook.com

 

About Nick Campbell

Nick Campbell has written 163 post in this blog.

A modern day gentleman who loves to explore all aspects of relationships and discuss problems this new generation faces in love. Born and raised in the Bay Area, well traveled and cultured. Single Dad, tech connoisseur and news junkie. Drop a line if there is something you'd like discussed!