Beyond Trust

By: Lindsay Wesker

This site has discussed love many times.

Being ‘in love’ is one of the most profound feelings you can experience. This is the person you think about first. When you see a beautiful dress, you think, “Maria would love that!” Or, when she hears a great tune on the radio, she thinks, “I wonder if John’s heard that yet?”

The person you’re in love with is the person you worry about most. You truly cannot sleep until you know they’ve reached their destination. You say silent prayers to yourself that they pass an exam or get that promotion they’ve been hoping for.  And, when you think about that person passing away, your soul is suddenly filled with dread; a lump begins to appear in your throat and the thought of life without them just seems unbearable.

Some will say that a good relationship is built on trust but, actually, trust is just a milestone in the road. In order to get to where you need to be, you need to go beyond trust.  You might say, “Oh, I trust my man!” But if you are still using-up precious minutes of your day wondering where he is, then you don’t trust him.  A guy might say, “Yeah, we trust each other” but, if he starts visualizing her with other men every time he can’t reach her cell phone, then he is merely paying lip service to his friends.

As your life passes – and you find yourself wishing you could halt or maybe turn back time – you will begin to realize that every minute of your life is truly precious, and fretting about your partner is a terrible waste of time.

Weighing the Pros and Cons

Ultimately, it’s all about pro’s and con’s. The person you choose to make a home with is the person with the most ticks in the pro column.

And it may just be that your partner is flirtatious? Or it may just be that your partner kissed another person at a drunken office party? Or it may just be that your partner had a one-night stand with someone on a business trip? But, if the pros still outweigh the cons, then you have a future.  For those of you that cling on bravely to the totally unnatural principle of fidelity, your path is likely to be darkened with disappointment and loneliness.

If the pros outweigh the cons, then you have found someone decent. To do this, you must go beyond trust. Don’t even give trust a second thought. Leave your partner alone to have a separate set of interests and a separate circle of friends. As Sting once said, “If you love somebody, set them free.”  Love is actually about appreciating that person for what they are and accepting everything about them, whether it is good or bad. If somebody tries to change you or fit you into their mold, then you have every right to be offended or feel short-changed. This is NOT a person who likes the essential you, thus they will never truly love you.

If you are wasting those precious minutes having heated discussions that include the phrases, “So, why were you late getting home?” or “Who is this girl Tiffany you keep calling?” then your relationship has no future.  Trust is the least of your problems. How are you going to find time to make plans for good times and a future if your conversations are merely jealous and possessive spats? You can’t own someone. A relationship is not about ownership. You can own your car but don’t imagine you can own your partner.

Cut each other some slack, give each other some space and don’t waste another second of your precious life. As long as the pros outweigh the cons, things are good. If, however, that con column starts filling up with ticks, then you have another decision to make, but that’s another discussion.

Lindsay Wesker is the author of, Thin Pale Foursome, a novel of a music industry person, who finally discovers his star.  He has been together with his wife, Claudette, for 25 years.

About willwavvy

Will Wavvy has written 349 post in this blog.

My life is dedicated to educating and empowering others to make healthy relationship choices. I write about, and answer questions about relationships in my never-ending quest to help people stay in love long after they've fallen in love.

  • Vanessa

    This article was very interesting. I agree with it for the most part, except some cons are important than others. Is fidelity unrealistic? If not, why do men so less forgiving when their woman has an indiscretion?

  • Yvonne Finney

    I believe trust encompasses many things. If you truly trust your partner than a natural action of that trust would be, being comfortable with them doing the things they enjoy even in your absence. When you trust someone, you respect and honor them, in your view they are of great character, have integrity. Quite naturally……all other things falls into place(romantically speaking).

  • Cynthia

    Yvonne this is Exactly how i feel! Trust is Love at its Best!

  • Alexis C

    I completely agree. Love is often knowing your loved ones faults and loving them anyway. No one is perfect and if your looking for perfection you will waste your life trying to find it. Perfect love cast out all fear and if you fear infidility you will find it. I have had the blessing to experience a love deeper than any other. I have a love for this man that is greater and deeper than any I’ve ever experienced. It’s not about a sexual feeling, but a body, mind and soul feeling that I just can’t shake. Even though we live in different states I love, miss, pray and think of him everyday. Real love is wonderful and when you find it hold on to it, because the pain of walking away is devastating. Speaking from experience. Thank you so much for sharing this!! ADC

  • Kevin8x

    Very insightful piece! Thanks for helping us to see how we get hung up on details that prevent us from exploring the deeper depths of our relationships.

    I would love to hear from you again with an espounding on your beliefs that the principal of fidelity is “totally unnatural”. An intriguing point.

  • Carmacita

    Great advice.

  • Carmacita

    Great advice.

  • Great advice Lindsay. You hear people talk about trust so much that it’s become a cliche. While it is important, there is so much more to a relationship than trust. You have to evaluate the relationship as a whole.

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