Single And Fearful

Dear Relationship Playbook
I’m a single mother who’s pretty much been single since things ended with my son’s father a couple of years ago. i did date someone recently but it lasted less than 4 months. I thought I was ready to date again but I realized that i might not have been, more so because I’m still hurting from the things i went through with my son’s father. i do want to be happy and I do want to be loved again by someone who’s honest, trustworthy, faithful, and all that other cookie-cutter stuff but I don’t feel that I can date like I used to because #1 it’s no longer just me and #2 men these days don’t have the same values and morals as they once did in the past. I want to put myself back out there (slowly, of course) and I think I may have found someone that I’m seriously interested in.. but how do I keep the fear of something going wrong out of my mind? I don’t want to get hurt again and I REALLY don’t want my son growing attached to someone who may not even stick around.. I’m celibate as well so there’s an added fear that I may get cheated on.. again.. Any good advice for this celibate single mom who wants to date? =/
Nicholas Campbell
Nic’s thoughts…
Dating as a single parent is one of the more common yet challenging things to do. As a parent your responsible for so much and have to wear so many hats. Naturally, parents put their children first (rightfully so) and that ends up taking away from having time for yourself. Despite your maternal instinct to do that, it is very healthy for you to make time for yourself and have some “me” time.
Since you ended the relationship with your child’s father, be sure to make sure all loose ends are tied up to that end. If there are unresolved problems between the two of you, that will come back to haunt you in the end. If either one of you still have any feelings or leftover animosity, get it resolved first! And definitely make sure you’ve fully healed from any pain of that relationship with him. You don’t want to carry emotional baggage into your future interactions. It will wreak havoc on anything you start with someone else. But if that’s not the case, I’d say go ahead and get out there if you feel comfortable. You’re right about it not just being you, you’ve got a child to look after. So its best to date with your child’s best interest in heart. Sounds easy but you’d be surprised to see how many people do the opposite.
Its true that a lot of men (not at all) don’t have the morals and values of past generations. You can trace that back and find many reasons of why that is. Those reasons are debatable, but just know that there are indeed men out there who still have values and morals. You being celibate will increase your likelihood of finding them. By taking sex out of the equation you’ve got quite a powerful screening tool. It will help you to filter thru the ones lacking the values you want and keeps you available for the man who has what you’re looking for. The man with a desire to be with you and be honest and faithful will come to you. When your celibate it shows whoever you’re dealing with, how dedicated you are to your belief; and any good man will see that value in you.
Some good ways to ease that fear is to make sure you’re taking things slow. Work on establishing a good friendship and great communication. By doing that, it can put you at ease so if things don’t work out, the anxiety of the aftermath won’t weigh on you as much. The pressure about weather or not it will work will be less and that gives you time to focus on the positive rather than the negative. That’s because you’ll have the strength of your friendship backing you up. I’d be remiss to mention that you should use caution about when to introduce your child to any potential mate. That extra concern could be adding to your fear. But trust your instincts when dating, and take your time when merging those worlds of your child and dating together. That’s all you can do is be careful.
But you’ve got the right game plan in place, you’re not settling for less so you’re a step ahead. So a good way to move forward with this person you have interest in, is to make sure you establish a solid friendship. And make sure the communication is clear about what you need from a potential mate. Anything you can do to help relieve the pressure off the both of you, the more of a chance you have of it being successful. You’re doing fine, just take your time!
Best of Luck…
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About Nick Campbell

Nick Campbell has written 163 post in this blog.

A modern day gentleman who loves to explore all aspects of relationships and discuss problems this new generation faces in love. Born and raised in the Bay Area, well traveled and cultured. Single Dad, tech connoisseur and news junkie. Drop a line if there is something you'd like discussed!