Sexual Frustrations

Dear TRP,
I wanted to ask for some advice as my boyfriend and I are having an issue with our sex life. Some background info about us: he is 31 years-old, and I am 30. Neither of us have children. We’ve been seeing each other since late last year and moved in together earlier this year. I know this seems fast, however, I am generally happy with our living arrangement and he says that he is as well.
Like most couples, we had an active and great sex life when we first started seeing each other–we had sex at least every other day, if not daily. In addition, we both have very strong sex drives and are open-minded and experimental when it comes to sex. We’ve tried almost everything under the sun together–toys, threesomes, porn, etc.
Between the two of us, we stay fairly busy due to our jobs (I have a long daily commute), extracurricular activities (he plays sports 3 days a week and we both try to work out several times a week), invitations from family and friends, and housework (e.g., cleaning and laundry).
Lately, it seems like he’s lost interest in having sex with me. First of all, the frequency that we have sex has waned; sex is minimal if non-existent during the weekdays, though I should note that we have sex about two to three times during the weekend sometimes.
Also, I find myself trying to initiate sex a lot more often than he does, and when I do, it seems like he makes excuses for not wanting to (e.g., he’s tired, he’s busy doing something around the house, we’re late for something, etc.). And if he does agree to have sex with me, it usually feels like he’s not as into it as I am and that he’s just going through the motions.
This situation frustrates me because I’m very attracted to him and feel rejected and hurt when he isn’t receptive to my advances, not to mention it leaves me feeling sexually unsatisfied. Also, I’ve always thought that a man not wanting to have sex with his girlfriend is a signal that something is very wrong in a relationship.
I’ve tried talking to him about this on more than one occasion in a non-accusatory way, asking if there was anything wrong and if there was anything I could do to get him more excited about sex with me again. He responds by getting very defensive and annoyed, and says that the reason we don’t have sex that often during the week is because we’re very busy and that he is tired. He says that he thinks our relationship is fine, that we spend a lot of time together (we do), and that he tries to show me that he cares by doing things such as buying me gifts (he does).
However, I sense that the “busy” and “tired” excuses are just that–excuses–and that he is simply just bored and/or lazy. I believe that regardless of how busy you are, you can still make time for the occasional “quickie.” I try initiating sex with him when we’re not busy, or when he’s not likely to be tired, but I still feel like I meet resistance from him.
For example, I tried initiating sex with him after I came home from work yesterday; its been about a week and a half since we last had sex due to us being busy and my period. I reasoned that after work would be a good time since he might use the “I’m too tired” excuse if I tried to have sex with him later in the evening. At first, he said no because he was cleaning the house and we were expected at his parent’s house for dinner that evening. After he could see that I was upset, he reluctantly had a quickie with me before we left the house.
Another example: during Memorial Day weekend we went out of town and I was excited about our trip since we hadn’t had sex in a while (again, this was due to us being busy and my time of the month). When I tried to initiate sex for the first time that weekend, he got annoyed and stated that he wanted to get out of our hotel room and do other things. Eventually, we did end up having sex during our trip, but I feel like it was only because he could see that I got upset about him not wanting to.
I’m at a loss over what to do as talking things out with him doesn’t seem to be working. I know that he would be unwilling to go to therapy, so that isn’t an option. I’m willing to try something new in the bedroom in order to pique his interest, but am really unsure as to what to do since we’ve basically done it all. I don’t think his lack of interest is due to my physical appearance–I’m attractive and work at keeping myself looking for good him and am physically fit. And I don’t think he’s cheating since we’re together most of the time.
Any advice you can provide would be greatly appreciated.
Nic’s Thoughts
One of the trappings of being in a long term relationship can be “routine”. Your concern is very similar and reminiscent of many married men’s complaints. But we tend to forget that women have sexual needs and desires equal to men. And falling into a routine can kill your sex life. You did the right thing by opening up communication about your frustration. I wouldn’t take his defensive behavior as a sign of trouble, but it could be revealing something he’s going through. Or it could be something going on personally that he’s not choosing to talk about, and as a result distracting him. And even though you said it’s not the case, that’s also a sign of possible cheating (These are speculative things at best).
Sex isn’t everything in a relationship, but it sounds like you have a pretty healthy sexual appetite. That’s definitely something to be discussed with him. And that’s something that will have to be resolved within your relationship with him. Don’t run to Dr. Dick or a “Maintenance Man” just because things are getting rocky in the bedroom. Hopefully, you’ll give him a chance to rediscover the sexual passion you once shared.
It really does sounds like you’ve done everything short of slipping him a “Roofie” like Alan did in Hangover. And I wouldn’t recommend “taking it” whenever you feel like it (not like you should have to)
But here are some things you could try:
Now I’m a little surprised to hear about the threesomes, he should be pretty grateful. I know some men who would give their right kidney for a threesome. But in any case, how about exercising some “Delayed Pleasure”? Go to his job one day and surprise him for lunch. Don’t wear any panties, take his hand and put it up your skirt/dress and let him feel you bare under there. Then whisper in his ear what you want to do with him when he gets home. Go home, he should be developing ahem! “flu like” symptoms so he can leave early by now.
And the next time you’re having a “routine” type sexual encounter, especially if he starts it, right at the point of penetration take it out and keep doing foreplay. Then pull a Nia Long from Love Jones and send him to the couch. Wait about an hour thru the begging and pleading, let him think it’s not gonna happen. You might both be ready to burst by then. Be careful doing that though, you might get it pretty rough if you do that too much..
And if you’re at his parents house, excuse yourself to a private room or bathroom and subtly notion for your man to come and join you. Give him a reason to excuse him self, then take him in there and lock the door. Have him put you on grandmas sink and give him the business.
Or you can get old school with it and suggest a date night, and recommend a drive in. Pick a nice cozy spot and get to fogging the windows up. Now that you’ve got a little privacy, blow his socks off to the point where he won’t even remember the movie or who was in it. And if you guys are cleaning and stuff, sneak away while he’s sweeping and come in the kitchen with your hottest lingerie on. Let him know how you wanna clean him up. If he’s not thinking “Hmmmm do I want to sweep or get some?” then check for his pulse!
What I’m saying is break the routine. If breaking the routine doesn’t wake him up, and you’re still frustrated, that’s when it’s time to assess the priority you put on sex in your relationship. He MAY just not be that into you anymore. Definitely clear that up and don’t assume it’s that. But if all the things you mentioned hasn’t worked and trying something new doesn’t work, then of course something could be up. Talk to your partner and try to make it comfortable for him and reassure him to try and minimize him getting defensive. If his guard is up for whatever reason, your not going to accomplish much in your communication. You want to be satisfied, but it shouldn’t be like pulling teeth to enjoy sex with your partner.
I hope that helps…
Best of Luck!!!!!
Nicholas Campbell

About Nick Campbell

Nick Campbell has written 163 post in this blog.

A modern day gentleman who loves to explore all aspects of relationships and discuss problems this new generation faces in love. Born and raised in the Bay Area, well traveled and cultured. Single Dad, tech connoisseur and news junkie. Drop a line if there is something you'd like discussed!