There are a few things I need advice on regarding my long-distance relationship.
To give you a little history, my mate and I first met when I was 16 and he was almost 17 and we worked at the same restaurant during the summer. We were TOTAL opposites. I was quiet and shy and he was outgoing and flirtatious. COMPLETE OPPOSITES!! Over time, we developed the sweetest friendship and even exchanged 1 kiss. He wanted me to be his girlfriend but as much of a crush that I had on him, I couldn’t do it because he was just a little to wild for me. He eventually left and went away to college
Over the years, I would periodically think about him and never in a million years did I think we would end up where we are today. Skipping ahead to present, we met back up the end of January of this year and have been going strong since. It’s funny how things happened when we met back up. After hours of conversation, he was convinced and declared that he was going to marry me. His cousin, who is also his business partner picked fun at him because just a few days prior, they had a conversation where he JUST said he was going to stay focused on their business and forget about a relationship because it probably would be a distraction anyways. Oddly enough, I had the same conversation with my bestfriend. After we talked, I was all he ever talked about and it’s still the same.
I have children where the father is not involved and he has no children. But it’s been such a blessing because whatever decision he, myself, or even us together make, HE ALWAYS has, using his words, US AS A FAMILY, in mind when it’s a very important decision. Our mothers both are tickled pink about our relationship. The nature of our relationship is very sweet and we’ve managed to maintain the innocence of it all by not engaging in any sexual activities when we see each other. We even discussed everything from sex, “getting tested”, and even the subject of living with each other and decided that we weren’t going to live together, and after much prayer HE decided that he wanted our union to be a blessed union and we are going to refrain from having sex as well. He’s even made the decision to relocate to where I’m at, for us, in September and start up an additional branch or location where I’m at. He’s doing this on his own free will and even said this is
what he WANTS to do just so we can be with and around each other. I guess this is where my questions begin.
When it comes to my children, I’m the type that will NEVER introduce the person I’m dating or casually talking to, to my children. The nature of our situation is far more emotionally advanced than it is chronologically and he has asked me to marry him. I’ve been asked before, but never have I been so certain in my life about saying yes. I’m also a logical person and wonder if it’s too soon to get engaged. He expresses his heart’s desire to marry me and the kids within the next year to a year and a half, and in his words, making it his life’s mission to make and keep me happy, among other things. It’s no doubt in his mind, my mind, and our friends and families minds, that we’re beautiful together and also are perfect for each other.
With that being said, I want to know in a situation such as mine, is there REALLY a such thing as too soon to get engaged and also, what’s the proper way to speak to children about someone you’re going to be introducing into their lives? Another question I have is concerning the decision made to abstain from sex. I have practiced abstinence oddly enough for 5 years, but when I was not, I was a very sexual person. Our attraction to each other is through the roof and I want to know 2 things concerning this: 1. If we experimented with foreplay (although I feel like that’s playing with fire) do you feel like that would take some of the edge off in addition to keeping things interesting? 2. Without penetration and simply foreplay, are we breaking the rule of abstinence?
Your advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance!!!
Well, technically no, if you engage in foreplay with your partner that does not break your “celibacy” But yes you will be definitely playing with fire and with the build up and sexual frustration, I would recommend avoiding that. If you both have committed to waiting, don’t put yourself in the situation for a “slip up” You have both agreed to wait until your married to have sex, and that’s great. You mentioned that prior to practicing celibacy, you were very sexual. So I know its hard for you, and I commend your efforts. And you both are doing all the right things in regards to sex. You’re waiting until the time is right, and making sure you both have a clean record of health.
That takes commitment, so if you can succeed in doing that, you’re showing each other you have what it takes to remain committed. I don’t believe there are any standard time limits you need to wait before getting married. It’s about when you know its your time and you feel ready to commit. And of course if you are with the right person. But you both a long history with each other, and you’ve taken great care in how you’ve handled reuniting. So I wouldn’t worry about that too much.
When you choose to introduce children to potential partners, it does get a bit tricky. The conventional wisdom I hear often, is wait until you’ve found someone that you intend to be with for a long time. So in your situation where does he come in? It sounds like your serious about marrying this man. You’ve vouched for his character and so has your family. So that should help you decide if it’s ok for him to meet your children. I don’t see how you will be able to make these long term plans without the man meeting your children.
You need to see if your children will mesh well with him. A great opportunity to do that, is possibly at a gathering with friends and family. Or a fun setting where the kids can interact and talk with him, like a park or something. These are really general, but of course you know your children and what makes them tick. So whatever works for them.
He’s got the right mindset of seeing you as a “package” being that he makes important decisions and plans referring to the “family”. But that real contact will have to take place, and if any situation said it was ok, it would be this one. My suggestion for talking to the children about this: Explain what it is you feel about him. Be real with them about the prospect of him being in their lives, and clarify if need be, the absence of their father. Then of course how this man will be stepping into a parental role would be the next part. Allow them the chance to give you feedback, and make sure they always feel included in the equation.
The celibacy and your children seem to be the more pressing issues. Once your comfortable in these two areas, the other issues will be more “logistics” then anything. Eventually, the relocation will take place and you should be ready to marry and start your family. It’s so good to hear that you both found each other, and it’s a beautiful thing that after all these years you’ve chosen to pursue a future with each other. I hope everything works out for you!
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