Dear Relationship Playbook,
If someone is texting and calling a member of the opposite sex whom you don’t know does that constitute cheating? I would like to know what the majority think because I can’t get my significant other to see the impact this has on a relationship. A simple yes or no with an explanation would be ok. thanks.
Here’s Mel’s response:
Does it seem like from the tone of the question s/he attempts to control people in his/her world?
I could be wrong but look how s/he wrote we could answer the question: “Yes or no with an explanation would be ok” I wonder if s/he treats the Significant Other the same way? Maybe that’s why the Significant Other wants separate friends outside the sphere of influence.
But I digress, here’s my response:
“Are you married to your Significant Other? Cohabiting?
If not, then the short answer is “No”, its not cheating.
Until you two make a vow to “forsake all others” you both are free to have separate friends. These friends don’t require the approval of the other.
But wait! It seems as if your SO has already decided this case. You mentioned that you can’t get him/her to “see the impact this has on a relationship” Maybe there isn’t a problem. If texting and calling a “friend” is a non-issue to your Significant Other, then why are you making it one?
I agree with Mel. First, how do you ask someone for help and then tell them how to give it to you? If I asked you for $100 and said give it to me in (3) 20’s,(2) 10’s, (3) 5’s and (5) 1’s – you’re going to tell me to take this $100 bill, shove it up my ass, and once I pull it out, take it to the bank and get them to break it down however I want it – that’s if you even give it to me at all.
Same principle. We’ll give you our thoughts as we choose, you break them down how you’d like to.
On to your question.
The only reason ANYTHING is considered cheating in a relationship is if BOTH of you decided to commit to certain boundaries in your relationship and one of you goes outside those boundaries. Just because you are insecure about something or it makes you feel uncomfortable doesn’t make it cheating. No specific agreement on boundaries. No cheating. As far as impact on your relationship, yes , it can have an impact, but a better question is
Why are you letting it?
Why are same sex friends OK, but opposite sex ones aren’t? His same sex friends could be just as detrimental to your relationship as opposite sex friends. He isn’t responsible for your insecurities, only you are. In my 30+ years of living (60+ in Mel’s case, lol) I’ve developed countless friendships with others – male and female. Why should I sacrifice those relationships just because I’m in a relationship with you? That’s inconsiderate and selfish on your part to ask, and expect that. Now if any of his friends are disrespecting you or your relationship that’s different. He should tell them to respect his relationship with you and if they can’t then they aren’t his friends to begin with. And by disrespect I mean trying to give his some ass, talking bad about you, etc. Some people think “respect” is liking and agreeing with you. They don’t have to like you.
It’s one thing if he’s communicating with them while the two of you are doing your thing, but, if all he’s doing in just communicating with them as he always been, it’s no big deal. You need to address those insecurities within yourself, and let it go.