The Hearts of Men

Dear TRP,
This is a question that my gfriends and I discussed recently… trying to understand how men determine if a woman is the “type” to start a relationship with or the “type” to just have sex with.
I’ve always looked younger than my age, attractive, and sexy. I could be in sweatpants and still get attention. I’m not impressed/looking for attention. I’m older (40) and divorced. I’ve just started to date again for the last year or so. I’ve been wondering why certain men seem to “shy” away from me. I know I’m not as approachable (becuz of unwanted attention), but once the ice has been broken, guys see how down to earth and cool I really am. What makes a man look at a woman as relationship material? I’ve observed that some women get the man vs what has been offered to me lately…pieces of a man/men not emotionally available. I want the whole man but I’m wondering if the men I come across just don’t even see me as “relationship” type. Do men even truly “want” a healthy loving relationship anymore? What are they looking for? How do they know when they meet a woman that “she’s the one” or “I need her”??
Nic’s thoughts…
Well quite simply YES we do! A lot of men want healthy loving relationships. What we look for however is subjective and nearly impossible for one man to answer. My first reaction is to link the emotionally unavailable men to the age group you’re dating. But in these times age isn’t a guarantee. There are some guys well into their 40’s (or approaching it) still coming to terms with their manhood and trying to determine what they want out of life. Instead, let’s focus on a keyword you used in your letter. “MEN”; typically, a real man who desires to be in a relationship with a real woman will not be looking for a “type” to just have sex with.
That doesn’t mean he won’t come across women where that ends up being the case. But if a man decides that he wants to be in a genuine relationship with a woman, it’s likely that he won’t be pursuing sex right away. Instead he will be looking to win your heart! He will be interested in your mind and spirit, and this interest will be greater than the desire to have sex with you. Don’t get me wrong, he may be sexually attracted to you and that’s normal. It just won’t be the MAIN focus.
You can sense the vibe change when a man is interested in winning your heart, our body language changes, and our conversation changes. As weird as it may sound we might not try to sleep with you right away either. It is a fact that most (not all) men will go into what I call “gentlemen mode” when we are smitten by a woman. The focus begins to shift on what can be “built” together instead of what can be “gained”. These are some ways we realize a need for a particular woman, and that she might be the one to fulfill us.
So what makes a man look at a woman as “relationship material”? Well that question can be posed to 1000 men and you might get 1000 different answers. So I won’t speculate for all men. But I can share a couple of common ones: 1. It depends on where that man is in his life. A man at 21 enjoying the bachelor life might have different priorities than a man at 35 with a career. So where a man is age wise and maturity wise plays a big role in being able to recognize a “relationship type” woman.
They have to be at a place in life where he’s able to make the commitment and accept the responsibility. The potential relationship has to match where he is in life at that time. 2. The type of woman YOU are. Like when a man comes across a woman that is a breath of fresh air, someone he’s never encountered before that challenges him mentally and emotionally. A sense of admiration and respect will come along with that. This woman makes lightning strike in his world.
These are automatic things that separate a man tying to get some, and a man trying to get to know you and be close to you. So when you were getting pieces of men who were emotionally unavailable, it’s because they are at a stage in life where they are not mature enough to handle commitment. The baggage he carries is so heavy on him, that despite your good qualities; he is not ready to receive it nor receive you. It doesn’t take anything from you, and it doesn’t necessarily make them bad men overall. They just need to get it together within themselves.
Now being that you’re attractive and drawing a lot of attention, its normal that you’re going to get a mix of guys wanting different things. Because for every man that’s looking for a loving relationship, there is an equal amount of men looking for a fuck buddy or two, maybe three. Since your down to earth and a lot of men can recognize the good in you, I’d say use that to your advantage. It forces people who have bad intentions out of hiding, and shows them and their BS the door.
Guys who only look for the “type” to have sex with won’t normally bother with that. With that said, if the men you’re coming across are only looking to have sex with you, then definitely look at yourself a little closer. You might need to make some changes in your approach and the type of men you choose to deal with. And unless these men actually tell you they didn’t see you as “relationship material” they why wonder if you’re not? What you want from a man is not unreasonable, to what someone who IS emotionally available and willing to treat you like you deserve to be treated is the minimum. So know your worth, try not to be cynical, and know that there are plenty of good people out there. You never know lightning could strike…
I hope that helps!
Best of Luck….

About Nick Campbell

Nick Campbell has written 163 post in this blog.

A modern day gentleman who loves to explore all aspects of relationships and discuss problems this new generation faces in love. Born and raised in the Bay Area, well traveled and cultured. Single Dad, tech connoisseur and news junkie. Drop a line if there is something you'd like discussed!