By: Will Wavvy
Dear Relationship Playbook
I just became a fan on your page and I love that you always have relationship questions.
My husband and I will (hopefully) be celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary in August of this year. We have been together almost 16 years. Six years ago, he had an affair that resulted in a child being conceived. We were going through something that is still taboo in the black community ~ infertility. As you can imagine, this has been extremely painful for me and we have suffered many setbacks; primarily because of the drama the child’s mother brings to the equation. Has anyone else on the fan page endured this? If so, were they able to salvage their marriage? How? I ask because I am truly tired of dealing with this woman, as well as the child that resulted from their union.
At first, I did everything in my power to remain mature and maintain civility for the sake of the child; however, the mother does not make it easier because of her actions. We have since had kids of our own and I have been more focused on our kids during the last 3 years because the child’s mother has an issue with me (his wife) being around their child and having a relationship with the child. Because of this, I have pulled away from continuing to build and maintain a relationship with the child, simply because it became less stressful to do so.
The first thing that comes to mind is what type of drama is his child’s mother bringing? My second and most important question is why are YOU dealing with this woman to begin with? I understand he is your husband, and as his wife you should definitely be AWARE of what’s going on.
But being aware of her and DEALING with her are two different things.
Your responsibility is to make sure your husband has a fair parenting plan established and filed in court; as well as, taking care of his responsibilities as a father. Dealing with drama from the child’s mother doesn’t fall under that list of responsibilities.
I am not married, but my son’s mother and I split when he was 2 months old. Those that know me, knows there was some serious drama involved but there has never been any involving anyone else we’ve dated. I never asked her to tell me about her boyfriends, or say “I need to approve who you have around my child”, BS. Whom she dated and ultimately married wasn’t my concern. I trusted her enough as a parent, for her not to have anyone crazy around CW and if I didn’t that’s what the court is for.
Did I meet her husband and we had an adult “sit down” once it was established he was going to be CW’s step dad? Of course. But other than us having general talk about sports or CW when I see him, we don’t “deal” with each other, and there’s no animosity between us. I LIKE him and think he’s a great man. She’s the same way with people I’ve been with. She’ll speak but other than that, only her and I HAVE to deal with each other when it comes to our son.
Your husband needs to make it clear what’s allowed in his relationship with his child’s mother and what isn’t. Bringing drama to me or my wife isn’t allowed. I send you a check. I see my child when this parenting plan says. We deal with any parental issues as they come up and keep it pushing.
This woman is a problem but she shouldn’t be yours. She’s not doing what every woman in her shoes would do. She’s an extreme case. Why are you dealing with her? She’s not your problem. Why is your husband allowing this woman to vex you? Better yet, why are YOU allowing HIM to allow HER to vex you? I have to question what your definition of drama is on this woman’s part to be clear on an answer. What type of drama is she bringing? Where is the custody arrangement? What’s the visitation schedule? Does your husband pay his child support on time and in its entirety when he’s supposed to? Is it all on file in the courts? Those are the only things you should be dealing with in this situation and that should only be WITH YOUR HUSBAND. Of course you and this woman should know one another. As much as you may not like it, you’re step-mommy. You don’t have to be her friend. It would be a good thing but it doesn’t have to be that way… especially with someone who may have made it known that they don’t want a friendly relationship with you.
If my dates are correct, this baby is only 6 years old. He/she is an innocent. He/she deserves nothing but love, acceptance and patience. If you’re going to be with the father (your husband), then that’s a part of the responsibility you take on being his wife. This child has no control over his/her presence in this world and certainly has nothing to do with the sheer selfishness of two adults who knew better in the first place. Don’t mistreat him/her. I promise you will suffer for it if you do. Whether you believe in God, karma or whatever, it will come back to you. Children deserve the best of us. It’s a hard thing to handle, but it’s doable.
I suggest that you and your husband sit down and have a long conversation. You guys need a plan of action in your house. There needs to be an understanding of how you feel about this woman and clearly you need to feel respected. You deserve that. You are his wife and nothing comes before that. If it was never established, it needs to be now. if no one is going to be your champion, YOU stand up and be your own champion. This is not an easy situation that you’re in but it can be worked out. All of you have to be willing to do the work. And if any party is not willing, work it out around them. It is possible for all of you to come together and be great parents to all of your children. It’s cliche but true. It truly does take a village.
You can email your relationship questions to: email@example.com