By: Will Wavvy
Greetings Relationship Playbook,
Great job thus far on the notes and status update questions that have been presented thus far have been very helpful.
I was working full-time and in grad school. I met this woman who at the time was two years older than I at 28 that just moved to town at a networking event. At that time I had been single for a few months (no JOs, buddies, etc. – completely single) just taking things one day at a time for the most part. During a conversation her and her girlfriends/ co-workers were having they pulled me in on it and we connected. Fast forward a week or so later I sent her an e-mail expressing interest but that if only she was single we could meet up for drinks, show her around and go from there.
All went well we began spending time together and hanging out often from then on. I was under the impression she was single. We hung out a number of times from then after a couple months we were in a relationship. It wasn’t until from then on but I began noticing a number of things that made me begin to raise questions I noticed often when we would spend time weekends together she would break her neck to get to her phone if it rang or if I left the room she would grab her phone and start texting. Another thing that made me start questioning was a couple times I would hit her up after work and school and she was nowhere to be found but then would hit me the next day talking about she went to bed early or her phone died. I was so focused on school for the most part I wasn’t trying to start anything so I ignored it and just was waiting to see how things all played out.
A couple months later I finally completed grad school and she was at my place. I was taking a nap on my couch because later we were going to a party with some of my friends to celebrate. I woke up and was about to head upstairs and I overheard her on the phone talking to one of her girls about how her she just ended her relationship with someone from where she just moved from. I kid you not once I heard that I was ready to just head upstairs and kick her out but I decided to test and see if she would tell the truth when approached so I waited a couple days to approach her and at the same time calm myself down. When approached she lied to me then when she noticed I was I began to distance myself from her she decided come clean. From then on I was trying to trust her again but I found myself questioning everything.
As a result, I later found out she also had a relationship with some married dude whom she tried to convince me was her “mentor” all because he called one time I was at her place and that did it for me. I told her flat out that I don’t trust her because of how everything played out when all she had to do was be honest with me upfront and if concerns I presented were in the past why are they still calling/ texting you. Since then I have been enjoying life as a bachelor on what I call “relational sabbatical”.
It’s been a couple months now and every so often she hits me up and I respond. Well earlier she hit me up via e-mail and here is part of what was said “The part that hurts me the most is that I messed up and you bailed on me. Left me over some shit from my past! Everyone has a past, but you’re right, I should’ve been straight forward with you. Honestly, I just didn’t want to lose you. I was so smitten that a nice, handsome guy like you was single and interested in dating me. I didn’t trust you and thought you were something that you weren’t… I’m too old to play games and not be on the same page. I can’t continue taking a chance on waiting to see if I’m that woman you want a family with. I turn 30 soon and I don’t want to find out that I’m NOT that woman you want to marry or you changed your mind about wanting kids.”
The way I analyzed this was she’s in a rush to have family and kids all of a sudden since she’s pushing 30 and thinks that this is going to make me or someone move faster but it’s not. I’ve never asked her to wait on me and I ended the relationship as a result of her lies. I’d rather be alone and at peace than with someone living a lie. I would like to know how you would deal with this or would you just let it go and stop entertaining her communications all together. I look forward to your feedback.
Since you asked, I’ll tell you what I would’ve done – I would’ve stopped communicating with her after the first time, I found out she was in another relationship, but I’m pretty cut and dry about these things. If you’re not my wife, then I wouldn’t even consider continuing a relationship with someone that has cheated on me. Even if you are my wife, it’s not automatic that we’d work it out – I just wouldn’t be so cut and dry about it. It’s not that I don’t have the ability to forgive, move past it, and try to salvage a relationship – it’s just that I wouldn’t want to. You’ve already shown me you can be unfaithful. Other people can choose to roll the dice and gamble on whether or not it’d happen again – I’m just not going to.
If I don’t trust you – there’s no point in us being in a relationship. I’m not going to look for proof or try to catch you in a lie. It’s a waste of time. If I don’t find any – it doesn’t mean you’re not cheating so I’m still not going to trust so no sense in playing games.
But this isn’t about me and what I’d do is irrelevant. This is about you. So what do you know about this situation?
You told her from jump, that you’d only consider being with her if she was single. She wasn’t.
You found out and confronted her. She lied about it.
Then you found out she not only had one other relationship she had TWO – with one guy being married.
Sounds like three strikes to me. Out #1. But there’s 3 outs in an inning, right? Let’s continue.
She didn’t think a guy like you would be interested in her.
She didn’t trust you and thought you were full of it.
She didn’t want to lose you, so she lied.
Sounds like three instances of bullshit. Another 3 strikes. Out #2. Finally what’s her reasoning for still contacting you?
She’s too old to play games (although all she’s done is play them) and not be on the same page.
She can’t continue waiting to see if she’s the one you want to have a family with (why would you want to).
She’s turning 30 soon (like HER biological clock ticking is YOUR problem).
Another 3 strikes. Out #3. Inning is over.
If you want to give her a speech before you cut her and send her to the waiver wire, simply use her own words…
“I’m too old to play games, and not be on the same page with someone. You and I will never be on the same page because I don’t trust you and you are not the woman I want to marry and have kids with. Please spend your time and energy on someone else you can be on the same page with.”
She should leave you alone at that point. If not the “Block Sender” button does wonders.