By: Will Wavvy
Dear Relationship Playbook
My story in a nutshell: I have been married for 5 years in July. I met my husband when I was in the 7th grade. We officially started dating during my college years off and on for a few years. We spoke of marriage a few times after I graduated from college but I wasn’t ready to settle down. I started seeing other people and he as well, but he always told me we would be together in the end. After years of playing I finally decided I was ready to settle down, and who better with than the man who always told me he loved me, and I had no doubt I was the person he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. In saying all of this I did love him but I’m not sure if I was “in love” with him. I really didn’t think it was that big of a deal if we both loved one another and I knew this was something he always wanted, ME!
Skipping to the just before we got married: we winded up living together for almost 2 years before marrying d/t issues we wanted to resolve before actually saying, “I do!” The first few years of my marriage were wonderful. I believed I actually had fallen in love with my husband. At the beginning I felt so loved and needed and as if I was the only one for him. Sure we had our ups and downs like any other normal couple but nothing major that left us in a tizzy for long.
Things started to get challenging with bills, credit cards etc because he kept things from me. He felt he could handle certain issues alone but ended up having to share in the end when things spiraled out of control. Now this may sound like all the fault lies w/ him and it doesn’t. I too have faults but have always been willing to discuss. I can accept constructive criticism but he never felt a need to point out issues until I pointed out his. Anyway back to when things started to become challenging. He started a part-time job to help catch up. After 6 months on this job he had an affair. I later found out because he confessed after keeping such a big secret and being threatened by the other women of telling me. Before he confessed to me, I asked him if he was sleeping around. His response was no and he was upset that I thought such a thing. We went from having sex on a normal basis to hardly 2 times a month. I felt that it was not normal for a man to not want to have sex especially with his wife and surely something else had to be going on. Well his confession came with him contemplating suicide. My focus was on saving him while putting the infidelity on the back burner. I blamed myself for his actions and I felt that he had fallen out of love with me. I couldn’t figure out why and what I was doing wrong. I chose to forgive him and tried to work on our marriage but I couldn’t shake what he had done.
I thought by having sex with him would make him fall in love w/ me all over again so it wasn’t long after we began being intimate again. I still thought about her often and had moments of crying while alone in the car, on my way to work, at work in the bathroom or wherever I could be alone. Sometimes I would tell him, but he didn’t want to talk about it. For a long time I felt that I owed him for hurting me and I wanted so bad to hurt him the same way. I knew deep down that was wrong but I couldn’t shake the feeling. I confided in a few friends and I was able to maintain a positive outlook.
Talking to people about his infidelity became easier and easier and eventually I was talking to people who made me feel like I once felt from him. I was getting the attention I needed and I felt desired by others. I started craving this need from my husband and I told him on numerous occassions that I needed to feel loved by him and we needed to be more intimate. Let me bag up a little, when he was going through financial difficulties he became really depressed and I thought it was affecting his mood as well as his performance. Later to learn that it was more medical than physical so another challenge we had to face. I made an appt and went with him to doctor to discuss our options.
So now I’m talking nasty to folks and becoming more and more vulnerable. I craved the attention and looked forward to my daily text messages and/or phone calls regarding how others could make me feel. The temptation grew deeper and deeper until I finally booked a flight for the weekend to spend with another man. I so looked forward to this weekend that I went and prepared for this trip as though I was going on a first date (new lingerie, hair, toes and even a european wax) . I wanted everything to be perfect for another man because he promised to make me feel like I should feel….like I was number one. Needless to say the weekend came and went. Was it what I expected, NO? Was it worth it, I would have to say yes? If I didn’t do it with him it would have been someone else. After I did it I almost had an emotional break down. I had allowed myself to compromise my values, morals and vows. Just because he had done the same thing, I no longer felt it was okay to do it too. I hated myself because I thought I was letting down God. It wasn’t really about my husband more than just letting myself down and breaking my vows I made before God.
I still talk to people on the phone and/or text and the subject of sex is always hot. I know this is wrong and a form of infidelity as well but I can’t control it. If I was getting the attention I needed at home, there’d be no reason for email, text or calls from other men. I know you probably say the same thing about me. True-dat and I can accept that, only if I wasn’t being attentive to my husband. While I’m not perfect I do try and compliment him, call him during the day to see how his day is going while offering words of encouragement. I still ask him out on dates…just to name a few. Yes it is easy to say why not divorce. I have asked myself that over and over and all I can come up with is an excuse. I have put my son’s needs above mine and I believe a divorce would not be in the best interest of my child with everything he has been through (another whole story). I also love being married. I love waking up and going to sleep w/ my husband laying next to me. I love having that companion that I can share everything with good or bad. I love for him to look in my eyes and see how much he turns me on and vice versa. I like laughing with him and being serious when need be. I love to see him fix things around the house and cut the grass and do his thing in the bedroom. That is what I need, want and desire. I’m a simple kind of girl, doesn’t take much to turn me on. I’m not materialistic and it doesn’t take money to make me happy. All it requires is your time and true feeling of affection. Is that too much to ask?