“Men On Pause”

By Basee Saka

Only a few of you are going to know firsthand what I’m talking about, the rest of you will have been part of discussions or have heard about it. If you think this is a helpful piece, make sure you share it, even outside of TRP, If you don’t, share it anyway, see what others think. It might even encourage them to join TRP for other little nuggets of insight!

Ladies, it’s the 13th of the month and your menses hasn’t arrived. You go to your planner and you notice that it’s over a week late. You start wracking your brain trying to work out what has been going on to cause this lateness, you know you are not pregnant, remembering what a dick looked like might be nice much less to have been riding one enough to get pregnant.
The days tick by and still no menses, you start to worry but not sure why. You’ve been wishing they’d dry up and go away anyway, why are you worried??? In the back of your mind you’re thinking, “Oh MY GOSH… could it be? THE CHANGE?”

That realization that your body could be going through to the next phase in the life cycle- the stage that says, sorry love, you’re past it, over the hill, washed up! the phase that puts you firmly into ‘older’ woman. For those women who are in stable relationships or married, your sexuality is going to change too. You may become insatiable, or you may not have much of an appetite for sex at all. The change in hormones will play a part in your change of mood. I say play a part because your emotions will be under all sorts of attack now.

You start to question your womanhood, your attractiveness, the commitment of partners, etc.  The subconscious mind is running amok with your feelings about yourself and convincing you that now you are officially ‘old’ you are no longer desirable. For women who are not in sexual relationships, are dating or are contemplating getting back into the dating arena… menopause is the last thing you want to have- especially if you keep yourself fit and are young at heart. You may even have toyed with the idea of having a child… be it the first or last. If it’s your first…your mind tells you that your body clock is winding down… you might not even be in a relationship… you may never be fulfilled as a woman, you should have had children when you had the chance. The mind is a powerful thing… it can create great things and also destroy great people. Women who have held down responsible positions in the work force, boardroom, community, etc. can be reduced to a shell because of how she feels about herself at the onset of menopause.

Knowing that the very thing that determines your gender is about to leave for good, is a hard thing to come to terms with. All the horror stories about hot flushes (flashes for the US ladies) mood swings, weight gain, irregular menses with fluctuating flow… all of this looms ahead like a grey cloud heavy with rain just waiting to open up and drench you. Your partners don’t see the big deal, your grown up children wonder what your problem is- you’re old it was going to happen, why are you making such a big deal out of it? Your female friends look at you with pity in their eyes, giving you tips that their mothers, grandmothers, aunts etc told them about. Your friends that are in the middle of theirs have nothing good to say, those that come out the other side… tell you the tablets don’t work you just have to ride it out… four years, eight years… however long it takes.

Unless others are going through this phenomenon, it will be hard for them to understand the thoughts that are going through your mind. Men try being supportive and understanding, but don’t realise that this is a phase that will affect not only the physical aspects of their woman’s life, but it will also make her think about her sexuality. They tend not to understand the dramatic changes that can occur and that you may feel old and unattractive. Huge wet patches under your arms and down the center of your back is not a good look when you are trying to get dressed to go out. Being unable to style your hair because your head is perspiring so much is frustrating. Wearing your favourite white linen pants and then being caught by an unexpected tidal flow… is inconvenient to say the least. So trying to maintain a sexy persona with all this going on is difficult- some women are able to paper over the cracks and get on with life. Others wear their discomfort on their sleeve. Either way, support, reassurance from those around is of the utmost importance.

So what does a woman who has ‘Men On Pause’ need? She needs to be encouraged to talk, she needs someone to listen to her, and remind her, being a woman comes from the heart.  It’s a matter of character and personality-from the softness of the voice when comforting another, to the firm grip when being supportive, from the musky aroma of arousal, to the preferred scent used on a daily basis that represents her to others. Going through life changes are a blessing. It means you have come full circle, an honor bestowed only on those who have stood the test of time and tide. How you wear your age and the changes it brings is more to do with self-concept rather than inevitability.  You don’t HAVE to start wearing sensible shoes, twinsets and pearls, a blue rinse and a dropped hem line. You don’t HAVE to pin up your blouse so your cleavage don’t show. You don’t HAVE to wear a one piece when you go to the beach. You are as beautiful now as you were before… as alluring, as intoxicating, as marvelous!

Ladies, there are many products and remedies to assist in the symptoms and it doesn’t last forever. Besides… it’s got to be great to be able to make love to your partner 31days per month… smile! – Basee

About BaseeSaka

has written 156 post in this blog.

Having experienced most relationship issues, from dating, cohabiting and parting ways, to long distance relationship, ‘near misses’ and heartbreak; I feel that my years have been filled experiences. Experiences that I am inclined to describe as positive. You can email her at: basee@relationshipplaybook.com