Special or Selfish?

By: Will Wavvy

If you’re not a fan of, The Relationship Playbook’s fan page on Facebook you are missing out on one of the best fan pages on Face book – and I’m not just saying that because I’m the proud papa (well maybe that’s one of the reasons).  What makes TRP fan page unique from others is not its size (as of this writing there are over 15,000 fans), but the level of interaction from the fans.  There are plenty of pages with more fans, but in most cases they are just numbers and there’s no real interaction.  Every day on TRP, you can read dozens of posts and hundreds of comments from fans sharing their thoughts and intimate details on their lives and relationships.  TRP fans will ask and say things that no one else will – at least not publicly.

Now that I’m done with that shameless plug, I’ll get on with this article.

A couple of weeks ago, a fan asked a question that sparked a huge debate.  The question was seemingly simple…

“OK group I have a question. This guy that I used to talk to told me that because I am 29, single, never been married, and don’t have any kids that I am selfish and I’m only concerned with making money. I thought he was foolish. Do most men feel this way about single women with no kids that are over 25?”

The first woman’s response…

Girl we are in an elite group..being that most women by age 30 usually have a child (or children) and or have been married.NO you are not being selfish at all, you are being SMART. Its okay to want to have some guidelines for your life….Keep doing your thing and tell old dude to go and find him a single hoodrat with no job and a load of kids…there are plenty out there if that’s what he wants..LOL

Eric gave the simple, but accurate answer…

Are you in an elite group of women? Not any more than I’m in an elite group of males. I’m 29, never married, and no kids. With women starting to have babies a lot earlier in life (13-16), and marrying and divorcing earlier (19-23)….yes it rare to find a woman without kids who isn’t or already has been married. However, it’s unfair to say that the women who have reached that age and never had those experiences are selfish.

Same token, it bothers me that when I tell a woman that I’m 29, never married, with no kids….I get the “SMCH-face” and I get questioned on if I’m sure I don’t have any kids. WTF?!!! Am I some sort of urban legend.

So as you see, it goes both ways.

Ellington’s response…

“He’s not right but I do understand why he said that… There are certain subconscious nurturing things women who have some the things he claims you don’t will do. I can tell the difference between a woman who grew with a father and ones who didn’t!

What I will say is 25 is a bit young…if you were 40-45 and the same scenario then id assume that; but I’d never tell you!

You never stated whether you, in part, felt he was accurate?”

As you can imagine, Ellington’s response sparked a completely different conversation, “Women Want, Men Need”. The original question was lost in that thread, so a similar question was created; but let’s answer the question…

If you’re over 25 and are single, never been married, and have no children, are you “special” or are you “selfish”?

In a word – Neither.

I don’t pay attention to most statistics because they can be easily manipulated to fit whatever outcome a person wants, but I don’t see how you can manipulate birth statistics, it’s pretty cut and dry:

In 2007 (the last year there’s data on this), almost 40% of births were to unwed mothers.

Is that a record-high number? Yes.  But, it still means that most births – over 60% – are to married couples; so overall, there’s nothing special about a woman not having any children before she’s married.  There are a host of other things factors into that number – age and race are a couple – that shifts the data one way or the other, so in whatever demographic you fit in, it may be outside of the norm for you to not have any children, but it doesn’t make you special.

To be special means to be extraordinary or exceptional.

Not having any children makes you neither, especially considering in these times of miscarriages and drive-by abortions.  There are plenty of reasons as to why you could not have any children and “special” doesn’t come to mind for any of them.  Are you unique? Probably, but we all are unique in our own individual way, so you shouldn’t feel like you deserve a cookie because you don’t have any children; nor should you feel selfish.

Selfish – devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

Choosing not to have a child that you’re unable, or unwilling to provide for doesn’t make you selfish; in fact it’s the opposite, you care about that unborn child.  There are countless parents that have children only for their own personal interests and could care less about their children.

No matter what category you fall in, don’t stereotype yourself or someone else because of something they may or may not have.  Appearances tell very little of the actual story.

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About willwavvy

Will Wavvy has written 349 post in this blog.

My life is dedicated to educating and empowering others to make healthy relationship choices. I write about, and answer questions about relationships in my never-ending quest to help people stay in love long after they've fallen in love.

  • EXACTLY! It's about choices, responsibilities and being decidedly UNselfish.

  • Unfortunately, people want to find any excuse to be considered “elite” Eric.

  • True Basee

  • I agree Seppy

  • I still can't believe I missed this day on the fan page.

  • Carmacita

    Some people are “made” to be a parent,others are not…If you are not ready or willing to take responsibillity for another life,it´s definitely NOT selfish!

  • Basee Saka

    I think it's a matter of degree and who's looking. If you are denying someone something that you have no use for, if you have something that could be shared to someone elses benefit then yes… but when it comes to your time, personality and emotions… who is to say that any of these would be beneficial to another?

  • Unfortunately, we found out that some do view this as being selfiish and elite. It made me laugh at first, but people were genuinely serious about this subject. Kinda puts things into perspective.

  • Ms. M-K

    ~ Selfish – devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one’s own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

    ~ To be special means to be extraordinary or exceptional.

    Wow, I never considered that, since I'm 38 with no children I could be considered selfish… and I certainly don't consider myself “special” … for that reason either. I agree with the author — it's neither. It's about choices, responsibilities and being decidedly UNselfish. I devote a significant amount of time to volunteering in the child welfare system and it requires far reaching/long term commitments this is how I choose to impact and contribute. Would I like a family/child(ren) — sure i would but in the interim I fill my time with other things. Also, I have been in the military for more than 20 years — this is a huge reason to think and be very responsible when considering spouses (been there/done that) and starting a family/having children. My time is not my own, to a great extent, my life is not my own…. And so, here I am. I try not to have regrets and I hope I never will (on this subject)…. We'll see.

    When I've met men that are my age and do not have children, I don't automatically cast judgments either — there are so many reasons for the why and how of what we choose….

  • That day was an eye opener. Mainly because, it's not that uncommon for people to frown upon single and never married women in their 30's with no children. However, as I said….you are no more elite than I am.